Wandering Ju

Closing Up

2009-07-09T14:18:00.003+03:00

Not much is going on except that I am thinking a lot about moving and not doing the actual organizing involved to move. I'm also exercising everyday now that I have some time to.

I've been thinking about putting an end to this blog since I don't post so often anyway. It turns out I'm awful at keeping up. I wonder if this is because I'm a much more closed person than I actually believe myself to be. I do find myself more jaded than I used to be. Like I come upon moments of realization that I'm being really cynical.

Things I Love About Being a Mom (to Liam)

2009-06-21T22:08:00.014+03:00

A while while back, MKM from Expatriate Games tagged me to write about this topic. At once it got me thinking about all the things and more about what I like and love about being a mom, and particularly being Um-ma (Mom in Korean) to Liam. I add "to Liam" because those two things are different and I only know the latter.

It was also a difficult topic because although I love being a mom, it's not something that's on my concious mind all the time when I care for him. Usually I only remember how happy I am and how lovely my baby is when I'm on the train to go to work or when I have a moment to breathe at work. To be frank, at times, I just want to go off and live as freely as I did pre-baby. Or more freely so at that, now that I know to appreciate not having a responsibility . Of course I will never do that. The state of being Liam's Mom is actually more inate and urgent than most other insticts that occur to me.

One benefit I enjoy from being a mom is that I became a much calmer person. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's mothering instinct. I used to be a bit of a neurotic, but since Liam was born, I am much less so. I feel confident and sure around my baby. Not that I'm certain all the time about my parenting skill, but I know that I'm trying my best to protect him from all ill, and that I am a fair mother. I don't project myself to him and I am mindful to respect him as an individul. I love that having Liam made me grow up.

The following things about Liam makes me love him and that love oddly but specifically translates to what I love about being a mom:
1. He makes me laugh with his brand of humor.
2. He's soft and cuddly.
3. He's hair is so unbelivably soft and it smells amazing.
4. He yells "Um. Ma!" when he sees me.
5. His feet look exactly like mine.
6. He looks like me and miraculousely also like my husband.
7. He is a result of my husband and my history together.
8. He loves to eat everything. Like me!
9. He is a trilingual baby. He understands Korean, English and Hebrew.

More things I love about being a mom are:
I love that I'm helping build my ideal world by having a multicultural, multiracial and multilingual baby.

Beside the very utopiac idea, I simply love that my baby is beautiful. There. I said it. Yes, I am vain, but I can't help but admire my lovely's beautifulness. I really think Liam is an improved version of me and David. With that, I end this post. It's 11 30 at night and I've been up since 4 30 this morning. I'm telling you- being beautiful really helps when you're bugging someone to wake up and play at the break of dawn.

Hello Again

2009-06-02T08:31:00.005+03:00

To all five followers of my blog: Sorry that I've disappeared for so long. I can give you all kinds of excuses, but I won't. I'll just write more often and be in touch.

Many things have happened.

My maternal grandmother passed away. I wasn't so close to her because my mother hardly had any relationship with her. The event still affected me and got me thinking about existential issues. My mother who kept her distance from her mother abhorred the idea that they were so similar, an opinion shared by all except to her admission. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and I quietly vowed to myself, not too long ago, that I'd keep certain distance from her so as not to upset both of us. Was that a right decision, now I wonder? Should I try harder? Am I just like my mother?

When my mother in law sent a condolence email to her, my mother wrote back and said she didn't miss her mother. I was horrified to hear that. I hate to have the same sentiment when, god forbid, Mom passes away. Am I, then, to make a conscious choice to make more effort for a better relationship with her?... yet again?

Even though my relationship with my mother has been difficult, the problem was one that I didn't have to "live with" daily. Besides the fact that I am the way I am because of how I was raised by her, I no longer have to deal with anger and all kinds of other negative tendencies (Okay, okay, I have loads of good qualities too, if you're so insisting. They're from her too, but who's asking?) simply because I've been living so far from her since I was eighteen.

Guess what? I'm moving to Korea now. In August. That we'll be in the same country and there's Liam will no doubt bound us close. I don't want to deprive my child of a grandmother.

Going to Korea: the most exciting news besides the arrival of Liam baby. We've decided to go for it. We're telling people that we're going for one year, but in fact, we're keeping our mind open towards staying longer if things work out. If not, we'll return to Israel, move to Tel Aviv, and I'll start my own business. Or so I'm telling myself.

I'm on a new opera production of the season, Carmen. I'm in charge of making up actors who play gypsies, torreros, and Pretty Boys. May I say that I'm thoroughly enjoying having to make up the beautiful men? Me and the gay costume revival manager from Italy who keep coming to our room to take pictures of them. He and I had an odd little encounter. I was finishing up my work when he came in and stood next to a hair and wig person to help with an elaborate hair decoration for an Elegant Lady. He was wearing a pair of bright green Nike sneakers, cute as hell. I said, "I love your shoes!!" Then he just walked away! No "thank you," "fuck off" or anything. I thought maybe I ought not to have initiated any conversation with him because I'm just a makeup artist and he's an important person imported from Italy. Later I found out from an actress that he doesn't talk to women much.

What's going on with Liam: oh, he's so cute!!! He now sticks out his tongue when commanded in Hebrew, English, and Korean. He also looks outside when we talk about the window, daytime/night time, and sky. He really seems to understand all three languages so far. He mixes up languages though. So he will use one language for referring to something and for another object he'll use another language.

Melissa tagged me on what I love about being a mom, so I'll write more on Liam on my next post.

Thanks for keeping with me, folks.

Little Break for a Peace of Mind

2009-03-29T14:17:00.004+03:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been disorganized for the past month or so, and it's been hard to find time to sit down and write. I'll be taking a break from blogging for a little while. I promise to be back in a couple of weeks. Peace!

Roaming Around

2009-03-15T09:00:00.003+02:00

We went to Jerusalem to our mother-in-law's for the weekend. We stopped over at my friend G's on the way. G called yesterday announcing her return from her three months trip to New York, Brazil and South America. She and her husband don't work, travel often and enjoy their lives. I don't need to spell out that I'm quite envious of their lifestyle, yet somehow, I also find it difficult to let go of my need to get somewhere with the career of mine.
G and T have a little boy just three months older than Liam. G being Korean and T being an Ashkenazie Jew, Liam and their baby share many similarities. It gave me happiness to see the two little boys smile at each other the moment they met.
Weekend here being Friday and Saturday, and not including Sunday, we drove back last night. I have to admit, I'm a little bit dreading the next three weeks when I'll have to work nearly everyday. This week I'll be working all seven days.

Hi, I'm Back!

2009-03-11T15:38:00.003+02:00

Commuting to work has been not as bad as I anticipated and the curtain closed for the first show I've done. During the lay period until the next show, I've been indulging myself to some Korean drama from mysoju.com. A Korean friend who lives in Jerusalem told me about this site. It lists all sorts of Korean (and other Asian) TV shows and movies. I got hooked on a now completed show called La Dolce Vita (a.k.a. 달콤한 인생). I finished watching the entire twenty four episodes in less than one week, thus the lack of posting. Husband was unhappy that I spent all of my free time in front of the computer. I mustn't watch the dramas too often. I'm a total basket case.

Working Girl Blues

2009-02-19T21:20:00.007+02:00

I began working on the current production at the opera. Work has been fun, but I'm away from home for so many hours a day now. I hate the hours wasted on the road to travel to Tel Aviv and back. From Haifa, it takes about two hours each trip door to door. That's four hours a day just for the trip. If we were to live in Israel in the future, we would move to Tel Aviv but we decided to try out Korea. We're moving to Korea at the end of this summer.
I was in three different cities today. After the bat-mitzva party last night, we stayed over at my mother-in-law's in Jerusalem and then I went to Tel Aviv from there, then I came home to Haifa. I'm absolutely exhausted. And upset that I barely spent any time with Liam. At one point during the day, I almost felt like giving it all up and be a stay at home mom.

Simcha

2009-02-11T20:07:00.006+02:00

My in-laws are in town for two weeks for a family thing. First they are visiting with us for this week and we're all going down to Jerusalem for my niece's twelveth birthday.

A girl's twelveth birthday (or a boy's thirteenth) is a big deal for Jews. It's a rite of passage called bat-mitzvah. It's sort of like sweet sixteen, let's say, for the lack of better description. After bat-mitzvah, a girl is considered an "adult." There will be two big ocassions for our birthday girl. One will be a classic party in a hall with dinner, dance, and the whole big schbang. Another will be a religeous event. I am scheduled to read a portion of Torah in a synegogue for this. I'm kind of psyched about that.

Torah reading takes some practicing. It requires knowing both the text and the designated tones. When read well and correctly, it sounds beautifully melodious. When I listen to a good Torah reading, I find it calming and touching.

They Finally Got Me

2009-02-05T10:40:00.005+02:00

I am sick. It began when I thought I was having an allergic reaction to my dog Ocean's hair shedding. Schnauzers aren't supposed to shed hair, but my Ocean has been shedding his hair because he's been suffering from food allergy lately. Anyhow, what began as just annoying itchiness in the throat two days ago turned into a full blown viral case of violent coughs, sinus pain, runny AND stuffy nose- it's evil how this is possible- and tear-inducing back pain. Why I am sitting in front of the computer blogging is perplexing. I should really get back into bed and rest. Have a nice day.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-03T07:40:00.011+02:00

I was 'tagged' to post 25 random things about me by William over at dollop of solipsism who maintains one of my favorite blogs with his sassy and smart remarks.

1. When I was fourteen, I moved from a very protected Korean society to New York where I experienced a cultural shock.

2. Hong Kong, where I lived for seven years in my twenties, is the place I know best of all the places I lived.

3. I miss riding on Star Ferry in Hong Kong. In the thick summer haze, crossing the South China Sea from the Central dock to Tsim Sha Tsui, I imagined the ferry crossing in Margaret Duras' Lover.

4. Two years ago I converted to Orthodox Judaism (for my husband's family). I can say it was for me only in a sense that I decided to do it in order to fully accept my husband's tradition into my life.

5. I hate that people judge me and make assumptions based on my choice of religion and my life-style.

6. When I eat salty food I like to balance the taste out by eating sweet food afterwards and vice versa. This trait results in my buying multiple desert items when I go to a bakery. For example, I'd pick up something chocolaty, then a few savory pastries, and then fruit tarts, then some bread sticks.

7. I once dated a French dude who used to pop up from no where to light my cigarette whenever I took out one.

8. I had a Schnauzer puppy I named Sky, to match my existing Schnauzer's name Ocean, who died of Distemper soon after I got him.

9. I like to drink gin & tonic when I feel foul. (Does that make me sound like an alcoholic?)

10. I like drinking tea with milk.

11. I think any good movie or novel should explain everything about life even if its subject matter is a narrow topic. I guess what I mean by that is that a good fiction should depict an aspect of fundamental truth about life.

12. When I was in second grade, my teacher told us that we should brush our teeth after every time we eat, so I brushed my teeth like twenty times a day for about a year.

13. I have a Mac but I don't know how to use it fully and I feel very anxious every time I think about that.

14. I like Chinese antique.

15. Last month, I wondered to myself whether my son Liam was the best looking person ever to be born. (Don't laugh.)

16. I am very very competitive about taxi-catching. If you cut in in front of me, you should be prepared to see my ugly side.

17. I hate drinking tap water.

18. The Best of Youth is my favorite movie that makes me feel good every time I watch it. I heard that the movie was at first meant to be a mini-telenovela, which makes sense given its length and epic-nature. I think the movie has similarity to Korean TV dramas. Maybe my sensibility picks up on that.

19. I danced salsa with my husband David on the stage at Lotte World in Seoul and won a prize of 100000 won ($100). It's not that we were any good, you see. We just had the balls.

20. I hesitated breaking up with an Australian boyfriend from Perth because I was afraid of losing the ownership of adoring where he comes from. In the end, the boredom of endless consumption of alcohol followed by hours and hours of detoxing by the pool side without exchanging a word for two straight years did it for me. I simply imagined myself married to this guy and doing the same for the rest of my life. That was a scary thought. Even if we would have done the detoxing on a beach in Perth.

21. Last week after work, on a particularly balmy evening, I was walking down a boulevard alone in Tel Aviv and loved life.

22. I am missing a tooth right now (can't be seen and awaiting an implant.)

23. I let my son suck his thumb, although many people told me that this will cause his teeth to protrude, because I think it's so cute. Besides, how am I supposed to teach an infant that it's wrong to do something when he doesn't register right from wrong?

24. I speak Korean to my baby but English to my dog.

25. I am glad that I'm at # 25. It was hard going to come up with so many things about myself! I hadn't realized I was so mundane...

I tag Mama Nabi and Marz at Nowadayz.

In Which I Can't Communicate Well With Mom and Not Just That

2009-01-29T21:48:00.005+02:00

I was hung up on the phone by my mom yesterday, a practice commonly exercised between us. My mom is visiting with my brother and staying at his house at the moment. She is angry at the relationship dynamics that my brother and his wife has-- she thought that he was "doing TOO much" for his wife and her family. When my brother cooked all day for the Thanksgiving dinner at his ILs, she "couldn't take it anymore," she said. Can you believe this? She should be happy that he's happy in his marriage and get along so well with his ILs!
In the end she brought this up to my brother's ILs and they're not really talking to each other now. Then my sister-in-law complained about my mom to my brother and he took my mom's side and they had a huge fight.
After listening to this story, in which my mom thought she was the right one as usual, I told her, in Korean, not to get too upset since my brother and his wife are really American and this is just an American way of doing things. Then she said "how could they fight when I'm in the same home and I can hear her?" My mom isn't the quietest person in the world, and I pointed out that mom said to me explaining about her own behavior that "it's OK and only natural for people to shout when they're 'so' angry." Then she became dead quiet and told me she had to hang up and there she hung up on me as usual.
I don't even know what to even call this kind of crazy thinking and behavior. It's definitely a pattern she has though. I hate to complain about my mom but she really drives me mad.

Opera Gig

2009-01-28T23:19:00.006+02:00

I have been on standby for a gig at the Israeli Opera since the beginning of January, and yesterday I went for the first time to view and study their open rehearsal. It was my first work for a theatre type job, and my gosh, I LOVED it so much to be part of the scene. The current production is Mefistofele, and the costume is absolutely stunning. I was in a male chorus dressing room with about ten singers. What great fun it was to be surrounded by witty, dramatic, cultured men with great voice! They accepted me with open arms which I thought was really neat.
The whole backstage was filled with creative and artistic talents. I can so live on that kind of energy! I am looking forward to March when I'll be on call as a regular staff with La Boheme.

I Hate Users!

2009-01-22T13:39:00.005+02:00

So last Friday, this photographer (a kid, really) calls me up and says that he needs a makeup artist in an emergency for a shoot on Sunday. He asks me please if I can come and do a job without pay and sorry that he called so last minute. The shoot was for an interview of a famous media figure for a local daily newspaper. It's a kind of job that is good for my book/CV so I gracefully accept it.

On the morning of the shoot, I get a little lost locating the celebrity's apartment, but arrive on time. I exchange hellos with the journalist and the photographer on the parking lot before entering to meet with the star. The star is nice enough. Very charming in fact. He mock-flirts a little bit with the makeup artist-that would be me- to relaxed the situation. Asks if we'd like some coffee to which we say yes but he forgets to produce. I begin working on him immediately. Really the job is easy enough. I'm done before the photographer finishes setting up. He promises a few copies of the photos for my reference, which is really the point of why I did this work.

Next day I sms the photo dude to remind politely if I can get a few copies of yesterday's work if he's had time to go through the them. I know that he's done working on the pictures because from the previous experience it's apparent that he works very fast and efficiently. No answer. I wait a day to call and he answers and asks if he can call me back. I say of course. No call. I wait until next day to call again, this time really peeved. The phone rings and rings and the weasel doesn't answer! Next morning I send a final sms asking for a photo but I know by now it's a futile effort.

Obviously I'm never going to work with this asshole again, but I'm really pissed. When the newspaper journalist called me to thank me for my part, I held myself from ratting on him but it was really hard!

Liam Sits on His Own

2009-01-22T09:06:00.003+02:00

Shabat Lunch

2009-01-17T20:12:00.004+02:00

In an attempt to put myself out there again, to get out of the funk so to speak, I organized a lunch for nine people today. Two of them- a couple- couldn't make it because their baby got sick. I made chili con carne, Israeli cous cous, roast beef, cucumber salad with grated carrots, sauteed mushrooms, and stir fried vegetables. David made a fabulous fruit salad with all the seasonal fruits as desert. We served red wine from Sion valley in Northern Israel. Harvey, a newcomer to Haifa and an Englishman, made a very English toast to me for providing a meal. Ari, our American neighbor was in high spirits after a drink of Laphroaig. Fun time was had by all, and I am back!

Survivor

2009-01-14T11:56:00.010+02:00

Okay, so, my new year's resolutions isn't going well. I'm not a) losing weight; b) really exercising. I'm doing my usual pilates classes but that's my comfort zone. I just don't have the motivation what with the cold winter weather and arguments with David. I can't bring myself to write about my marital woe because, like Melissa from Expatriate Games once said about herself and I agree to quote, "I'm not one of those people who can blog through stress". I usually disappear from the face of earth during crisis only to come out when things are better again- I delve into the thick depth of depression and unhappiness. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I enjoy being depressed.

Speaking of depression and unhappiness, while I was strapped on the pilates apparetus this morning, I was feeling down and shitty when it dawned on me a sudden sensory recognition intimately familiar to me: I recall such feelings from my days in Hong Kong! It was in Hong Kong that I formed myself as an adult, and I always believed that I loved it there because there I was a free person at last to choose and decide whatever the direction I wanted to take. I'm pin pointing only now that my underlying state was of sadness and denial. Or else I wouldn't have partied every night immersed in a drinking binge, day in and day out for five straight years. It's true, a good friend of mine who knew me and my activities well at the time pointed out that I seemed "lost." I shook off that comment then because I wasn't ready to take on that kind of blunt assessment. Instead I found a flaw on her and distanced myself from her.

So in short, today I'm looking to get my energy back. I'm not going back to being unhappy. I have better things to do in life! For now I'm off to let Lucy (our nanny) off her duty for the afternoon.

Love Me or Leave Me

2009-01-11T17:07:00.012+02:00

When things are not going well at the home relationship front I find myself unmotivated and listless. Today was such a day. I am merely going through motions when picking up Liam and singing to him.
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Yesterday I attended a concert by a Jazz vocalist named Paula West whose concert paid tribute to Bob Dylan and Nina Simone who is my favorite singer. Paula West was one of those very personal type of celebrities. She came out to the lobby to speak to the audience during the intermission. No pretense at all. Still, I was a little star struck and David asked her (for me) if she will sing Love Me or Leave Me. She wouldn't, she said, it wasn't part of the repertoire. I was duly disappointed, but her performance of The Times They Are A-changin' inspired me completely. She said she began performing the song since right before the election in October.

At 6 3/4 months

2009-01-09T11:47:00.004+02:00

Liam is growing up. He smiles a lot and spontaneously.

He also loves his avocado.

Promises, Promises

2009-01-06T10:30:00.004+02:00

I was reading Amanda's Blog on New Year's resolution, and I've realized people actually resolve their resolutions! I've never really resolved any new year's resolutions so I don't make them anymore.

Well, except one year, in my early days in Hong Kong, I was so lonely and didn't know anyone that I told myself I will make lots and lots of friends and get to know many many people. That I did. Eventually I indeed knew many people in Hong Kong. Even that resolution though, isn't without regrets. After seven years in the place, I only have a few real friends left from the hundreds that I used to know and drink with. I wish that I had chosen friends more carefully and cultivated deeper friendships.

Anyhow, about making resolutions. I've decided to make one again this year for a change. I hardly did anything for this New Year's. David and I rented a DVD (Mama Mia) and split a beer after we put Liam to bed. That was big: we haven't done anything like that in.... since Liam came along.

My New Year's Resolutions:

1. To lose 10 kgs. That's right people, that's 22lbs. I have a small frame and at 5'4'' and 58kg is too heavy. I haven't lost all my pregnancy weight since I gave birth 6 1/2 months ago. It's time to reshape!

2. To achieve #1, I need to exercise. So: Exercise.

3. Be more aggressive about marketing myself. Honestly, I have been to lame to advertise myself to potential work sources. I need to put myself out there and receive more work.

4. Try to love life more. Stop enjoying the feeling of melancholy.

5. Go and visit Yoonju. He's my brother who lives in San Francisco. I haven't seen him in more than a year. It's very sad that we're becoming so distant. We used to be so close when we were growing up.

That's it. Next year this time, I, too would like to be able to say "I have resolved (some part of) my New Year's resolutions."

Missing Marlboros

2009-01-02T09:28:00.010+02:00

I used to be a smoker. My love-hate affair with Marlboro Lights began in senior year of high school when I nicked my mom's pack from behind her bedroom mirror. (Yes, my mom was one of those behind the closet smokers like all her fellow Korean women her generation.) When my best friend Kim came to pick me up in her new Mazda, I quickly shoved the said packet in the back pocket of my flare jeans, which was retro in vogue at the time, as I faced Mom and said 'see ya later'.

On the highway on our way to the mall- alas, where else would you go in a suburb?- we began smoking ceremoniously: me my mom's Marlboro Lights and Kim her New Port Menthol Lights. Yuck, I never felt so sick and nauseous in my life! I felt like my whole gut was about to turn out. Literally tasting the nausea in my mouth, though, I persevered. I wouldn't be cool if I had to stop, you see. Half a year went by like that until we graduated from high school. Kim, in the mean time, began bleeding from her throat and had to stop smoking. I, on the other hand, slowly got used to the cigarette smoking. I became a pack-a-day smoker. The Marlboros kept me company at various moments and in all kinds of life journeys. They were my most intimate best of friends, so to speak.

Then, after smoking for ten years, my body told me I needed to give 'em up. Several attempts were made to quit until I actually did. The truth was I didn't really want to quit. I liked myself as a smoker. I was still smoking one or two sticks a day when I found out that I was pregnant. Feeling guilty and remorseful, I quit totally cold turkey. I haven't touch them since.

So what is the issue? Lately, I REALLY REALLY miss smoking. With the weather here in Israel getting suddenly cold last week, the urges came on strongly. I had always enjoyed smoking more somehow in the winter than in the summer. I don't want to become a smoker again, though. Plus it wouldn't be so cool if Liam someday nicks my pack of Marlboros.

Tooth Agony

2008-12-24T20:11:00.003+02:00

I had a tooth extracted today. Apparently, the tooth was "very ill" and there was "nothing to be done." I was horrified because I generally had excellent teeth all my life and never really had to get them treated except for getting them cleaned. True, I have been eating lots of sweets since I conceived Liam, a practice unusual to my pre-baby era. I'd always been a meal kind of person, you see. But who knew that a tooth can go so wrong in just a year? I'm very distraught.

Mama Crazy

2008-12-22T21:47:00.007+02:00

Ealier today I went out to walk my dog Ocean on his afternoon walk. I had Liam strapped on me on Baby Bjorn as I usually do when I take Ocean out. It's a bit of a funny sight, me, Ocean and Liam together, but this is how we fare. Anyhow, we ran into an older gentleman aquintance from the neighborhood who has a dog of his own. He and I haven't seen each other for a few months, so he met Liam for the first time.

Aquaintance: "Your baby is a boy or a girl? Boy, yes?"
(We get this a lot because he's features are kind of gentle.)

Me: "Yes."

Aquaintance: "He's very handsome."

Me: "Yes."

We chatted some more after those exchanges before parting our ways to continue walking our respective dogs. Only after Ocean made two or three more pees, I've realized the blunder I've made. The thing to say was "Thank you", wasn't it? I am turning into a crazy mom.

Choice

2008-12-21T09:02:00.003+02:00

Ever since David was offered a job in Korea, we have been doing the game of back and forth in deciding whether to take the job and make that move to Korea. We've said yes, then we've said no, then yes again, and yes, this time we ARE really coming don't worry.

I was, for the most part, thrilled about the prospect of going to Korea. I couldn't wait for the exciting city life opposite of the mundaneness that surrounds me here in Haifa. I will at last be in an environment not so foreign and alienating. I will be going home.

On the other hand, life won't be as exciting and easy for David. It will be difficult for him to find the same camaraderie he has here. Then there is the kosher food issue. He'll have to live eating only fish and vegetables. Given that there are people who eat only fish and vegetables by choice, it's not the end of the world. However, this will be from the lack of choice for David. I'll be plucking out a man happily indulging himself in meat eating and move him to a land where he can't do. I'm worried because my husband is so thin as it is. But the most important issue will be that He won't find the Jewish community in Korea that he'll be able to relate to. It will be like for him how it is for me here. I don't wish this kind of loneliness on anyone, god forbid.

I had been extremely unhappy in Israel until Liam came to my life. I was unmotivated to get on because I was dying to leave. Things have changed somewhat. I began working and I am satisfied with the kind of work I'm receiving. That helps a lot. Then my baby Liamie. I want stability for him. I can see that he'll be happy here with David's family and with the friends we have made.

Can you see that I'm confused? What to do??

Back to Normal

2008-12-18T17:09:00.004+02:00

David came back. He took a train from the airport to come home. I made roast chicken and orange soup (pumpkin, carrots, and sweet potato concoction) and went to pick him up at the train station.

I'm glad everything came back to normal. I felt relieved to see his face.

Chronicle Mundane

2008-12-17T21:17:00.010+02:00

Today was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. Among the things that happened today are:

1. The dentist I went to (I won't call her 'my dentist' because I never had her before.) today told me that I need to take out a tooth and get an implant. Crap! I'm getting a second opinion.

2. I had my teeth cleaned. A horrible experience.

3. On the way to Pilates this morning, I got stuck in the worst case of traffic. As a result I got to listen to lots of techno/dance type songs from the 90's on the radio (Gagalatz) which put me in a flighty mood. I was happy although I was 20 minutes late.

3. My mother-in-law came from Jerusalem to keep me company and we had lunch together before we returned home to relieve my nanny. Over lunch she told me about how most of her friends are sick with all kinds of different health issues.

4. Liam still cried for a few minutes before falling asleep for naps from my de-Ferberization blunder. I felt awful that I wasn't supposed to go in to pick him up and I felt like a failure of a parent.

5. Got a call from my agency for an assignment but had to refuse it because of time conflict. I hate that because I don't have anything solid until March when I start working for the opera. I really need to start working more.

6. Afternoon was spent doing busy work around the apartment while my mother-in-law played with Liam.

7. Over some fruit tea, I spoke to my mother-in-law about how I feel about living in Israel. It was the first time I ever told her honestly about how unhappy I am here. Then she told me I should have known when I married a redheaded Jewish man that this was expected of my life that I live in Israel. I could see that she was afraid that we might leave. She doesn't know that David has a job offer in Korea. I wanted to tell her that David could also have taken into consideration that he couldn't just insist on (of which he doesn't. He just wants it very much.) his own ideology when he married a woman who wasn't Jewish and who is Korean. But I didn't do that because she's an old lady and she's mostly so nice and she came to visit me all the way from Jerusalem on an inter-city bus. I just told her that I knew what she meant and that's the reason why I took all this on. Then she understood me.

8. Earlier on I stopped by the beach before I went to pick up my mother-in-law at the bus station. The sea was the most beautiful kind of blues meshed together. Yes, I live in a beautiful city. For that, I am grateful.

Loving Liam

2008-12-16T20:16:00.011+02:00

Everyday, I find myself becoming more and more attached to Liam. Looking back to our first encounter face to face at the hospital bed though, I think I wasn't all that into him at first. I feigned exhaustion to hand him over to David. Well, I was tired, but what I felt was fear of having to love like a good mother. I wasn't sure if I can love this new person like I would love someone I know.

Although I was in an insanely strong instinctive state of mind to care for him, it's hard to describe that feeling as love that comes from attachment to another human being. It was more like self-love. He still felt to me like he was part of my body who just happened to be lying outside for a change. I only realized for the first time that I cared about myself that much. I wanted everything to be ALL RIGHT for him.

Now things have changed. Liam is a few days over six months old now and he began smiling a lot. And when he looks up from his rolling about carpet to give me his gummy smile, my heart just goes. I had to hold back tears from coming out a few times, even. The tears of absolute joy.

Of course I still want everything to be alright for him and much much more. My innate love for him(myself?) still causes for me to feel totally protective of him. What is extra is that he gives me all this pleasure. It's the best sort of pleasure ever. So, I love him like another human being AND like myself. I'm just hoping that I don't become one of those overly attached and projecting kind of parent.
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Liam normally wakes up about twice to nurse each night. Last two nights I was greedy for comfort and took him to my bed to feed him and to keep him there with me. After he turned five months old, we have Ferberized him and he's been soothing himself to sleep. When he gets up to eat he would go right back to sleep after feeding without crying. Until today. It turns out I have de-Ferberized him by taking him with me to bed. He looked around for comfort instead of comforting himself. When he saw that I wasn't going to pick him up, he cried hard. I am a cruel mother for not having been consistent. I felt bad enough the first time around that I had to leave a crying baby to condition him to fend for himself. Now I had to do it twice. Lesson is surely learned by me.
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To fix what I wrote yesterday, I miss David A LOT for the CONVENIENCE. I learned in his absence that he's damn helpful with Liam and around the house.

When I Think of the Men

2008-12-15T21:03:00.012+02:00

David is in Paris. The oddest thing is when people hear that he's in Paris, they ask, "For work?"...! No, for pleasure. Without me. With his girlfriend, and I'm telling you about it nonchalantly... I guess Paris makes people think of things other than work. There is a conference being held and David is attending. It is attended by the usual academic crowd that he's familiar with from all the years he's been around, so it's interesting to listen to him tell me the gossips and dramas that go on.

My ex-boyfriend A is from Paris although I think he lives in Monaco now. After our relationship faded out with the unclear ending, I visited Paris for closure. I used to be very in love with him, so it was painful to have to relate to him so casually, as a friend. It was also sad to say goodbye- the goodbye wasn't as much spoken as I told myself I probably shouldn't make any further contact with her- to his sister who I liked so much. She liked me too, but she would have been too loyal to her brother to keep in touch with me.

Certain insights remind me of my exes. For example, when a girl friend tells me about her mishap with her husband. I remember how that story matches how it was with T, the banker boyfriend I had. Then I realize only now that he might have been more of an asshole than I thought. Sometimes it's something positive. When I'm cooking some Thai inspired dish for dinner, fish with cilantro, let's say, I suddenly remember the beautiful meal I had with that same T in Phuket in a quiet restaurant in a spa in Phuket.

Thoughts on past relationships make me feel slightly guilty. I have David and Liam now, one side of myself tells me. No need to dwell on the past. If they knew (If Liam will have known, I imagine.) that I daydream about my past, perhaps they wouldn't be so thrilled. But I don't suppress the thoughts. I actually enjoy them.

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Since I'm alone in the evening, all the chores regarding Liam that David and I share usually have to be done alone. I miss David a little for the partnership rather than for the convenience.

Winter Snacking

2008-12-11T10:51:00.004+02:00

My new favorite mid-morning snack: Wizotsky Rooibos tea in vanilla flavor with milk and no sugar with Organic Graham crackers with honey. The crackers should be dunk in the tea just for a split second and not more to keep the texture just so. Love it.

My Baby at 5 Months

2008-11-22T20:58:00.004+02:00

Beautiful, isn't he? I know, it's not so modest of me, but I can't help it. I love him.

Growing Pain - Part 3

2008-11-13T12:07:00.001+02:00

When I had the sudden inspiration to write about Michelle a little while back, I didn't intend to drag this story out like this. I happened to have mended some uneven patches with her just then, and I wanted to blog about it so that I can organize my thoughts and feelings after the occasion. If my thoughts and feelings are organized, I'm not sure, and sadly, I'm a little too swamped with things at the moment to care. So this is the last blog on this subject matter:

I wrote in Part 2 of the story that life was good and exciting. Well, it wasn't THAT good. My marriage of two years to David wasn't going well. I got married at twenty one, you see. I had been awful in love with David and got married quickly after having met him in New York. Then to follow him to Hong Kong was a big undertaking. I was too young and unstable to handle big issues we had in our relationship. We decided to separate for a try. To facilitate the decision, David took a six months sabbatical to Israel while I stayed on in Hong Kong to continue on with things.

After David left for Israel, I realized I felt suddenly relieved from horrible burden from my failing relationship with David. I am much better at dealing with things head on now, but back then, I used to love putting matters aside in favor of frivolous denial. Surely, going out with Michelle for a night of wild fun seemed much more in vogue than mulling things over alone at home. After a month or so of living it up, I've decided that partying is what I wanted, not a serious relationship that gave me pain.

Michelle and I went out night after night in search of pleasure, and quite frankly, of men. I was living a life of a Hedonist and and an Escapist. As a default, so was she. Looking back, Michelle didn't know exactly what she was doing. I influenced her in a big way and she basically followed my way. She was younger than me, and perhaps I should have protected her from all the craziness that went on. Michelle began experiencing social confusion and financial trouble. she seemed to blame me for the bad relationship dynamics she got herself into with real asshole types rampant in Hong Kong playground. I knew even then that she was trying to distance herself from me after she started seeing me as the source of distress in her life. This fact bothered me very much because in my limited ways I thought I was being her real friend by introducing her to the life that she was curious about at that time. The truth was, I myself needed so much guidance. I was young and vastly lost from my past endeavors and marital failure.

Eventually, Michelle got herself together and took off for a fancy job in Singapore. By that time our friendship was close to non-existence, but I was still hurt when after all the youthful camaraderie she moved without bidding me farewell. What happened to me is another story, but all in all, I got back together with David after a few years separation.

I continued to hear about Michelle through a mutual friend until one day she got married to an English block and gave birth to her daughter. I had mixed feelings when I received from her, after a long period of absence, an email with pictures of her daughter. A haphazard words of congratulations was all I could muster up without sounding like I didn't care. Since then though, Michelle continued to send me regards, emailing periodically and sending me SMS on my birthdays. Then I myself gave birth to Liam. Giving birth made me mature in a few unwarranted ways. One of them was the desire to sort out the past doings. I sent an email (Thank god for emails!!) to her initiating a talk and she replied like a real grown up that she is. It was great to act so maturely for once. Fin.

Liam drools on David

2008-11-03T15:35:00.003+02:00

These are my boys.

Growing Pain- Part II

2008-10-12T20:10:00.002+02:00

So thereafter, Michelle and I became quick friends. We went everywhere together. She showed me all the cool local hunts and I showed her my expat friends and Lan Kwai Fong. We would cut class and go yam cha in a quaint dim sum restaurant in the old Sheung Wan district. Then when the school's over for the day we'd go to Lan Kwai Fong for a grown up cocktail or two. We'd eat Thai in the Central's outdoor back alley, shoulder to shoulder with other city dwellers. Sometimes we'd take Star Ferry over to the mainland to venture in Tsim Sha Tsui shopping. Life was good and exciting.

My New Jazz Age Haircut

2008-09-11T09:44:00.003+03:00

I wanted a change badly, so I took a risk and had a bunch of my hair cut off. I felt a small tinge of separation anxiety when I saw the hairdresser assistant swept the long chunks of my hair off to the side of the floor. But voila here is my new look and I'm happy! It's meant to be more "This Side of Paradise" than a flipper. I know, I know, I made that up. The way it's going now without blow drying for the third day in a row, it's going to end up looking more like a junior high girl's hair before she found her own style. Well, anyhow i love it.

Growing Pain- Part I

2008-09-07T11:38:00.001+03:00

I met Michelle T. when I was twenty three in the Hong Kong University coffee shop. I was still new to Hong Kong, and as an undergrad transfer student from New York, I felt out of sort amidst the younger Chinese university student colleagues. I saw myself as old and unfit to be there. Imagine that? I'd die to be twenty three again now, but that's how I felt then. I was already married yet I was still a kid, and comparing myself to the other naive kids who may have still been virgins I had mixed feelings of superiority and shame.

It was may be the first or the second day of school, I don't recall exactly. Exhausted from the class hopping in the new environment, I made my way to the coffee shop on the main square on campus. The venue was crowded with hungry people hunting for food and seats. I maneuvered my way to the pay station with a tray of toastie and a Diet Coke and snatched a table quickly shamelessly demonstrating my competitiveness (and perhaps rudeness) a la Korean style. Once seated, I opened the can of Diet Coke- the drink of choice by me in those days, always dieting- and lit a Marlboro Light, ready to start people watching. This was the moment I spotted Michelle T. And she spotted me too! It was a classic moment of friendship at first sight. I recognized the uncanny coolness in her looks and demeanor right away. She stood out like a rose in a bush of weeds, like a flamboyant soul among, let's say, a bunch of bankers. And as for me, well, it was clear that she also noticed me because she actually came up to my table and said she had noticed me earlier on campus would it be OK if she sat next to me.

Truth Be Told

2008-09-04T22:15:00.005+03:00

The thing about blogging is that I'm a little confused about who my readers should be. Originally I decided to start blogging in order to keep track of myself as well as to keep my friends and family posted on what I'm up to since I'm never in their lives by the default that is where I live. What I didn't realize was that friends and family and myself was too big of an audience group to satisfy.
The question of subject matter surfaced when deciding to whom among the "friends and family" I let known the existence of my blog. I mean, what if I want to talk about the future move to Korea and some of the family members aren't supposed to know about it just yet? Maybe I want to write up on kinky thoughts or on ex-boyfriends? Eventually I decided that my blog will be a "clean" blog. Nothing dirty, nothing I wouldn't hang on my laundry line out the window.
But that's about to change now. Now, I WILL talk about everything I want. I WILL banter on friendships gone wrong; I WILL go on and on about the shoes I saw at the mall the other day; I WILL talk about how awful it is to work on a make-up gig in Israel because the people involved are so horrible; and maybe if I'm in the mood, I might even write about my political inclination or the lack there of. The only "family and friends" reading my blog posts are Michelle and David anyway. (Hello! and hello!)
So to celebrate this *bold* move, I'm going to write about Michelle (No not the one I mentioned in my earlier post.), a friend from Hong Kong in the upcoming post. (I am going through a growth spurt right now-- I'm mending things from the past.)

I LOVE being Mom to Liam.

2008-08-30T22:49:00.005+03:00

I just LOVE being Mom to Liam. Everyday after David goes to work, I get giddy with the anticipation that I'll spend the whole day with Liam. It turns out I had it in me like all the others before me.

Liam

2008-06-22T17:01:00.004+03:00

Yesterday was our baby's Brit. It's the most nerve-wrecking thing for a mom!! I was literally horrified during the service, but Baby did fine and didn't even cry so much. He was named Liam Baruch Bodoff. The first name Laim was suggested by Christine, my dear friend. Liam works both in English (Gaelic?) and Hebrew. In Gaelic, it means "protector." In Hebrew, Liam means "To me people/nation."

For the longest time when he was in my womb, David and I thought Harry would be a good name for our cute little baby to come. When he came out, though, we realized we needed to give him a more serious name. He looked so serious! We also wanted to give him a name that is usable both internationally and Hebrew-wise. Liam works just great for all these aspects.

It's a Boy!

2008-06-17T23:22:00.005+03:00

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Stats: 5:30 PM; June 12th; 3.61Kg. More to come later. Right now, I'm in love, and totally exhausted...

Labor?

2008-05-26T08:41:00.006+03:00

For the first time since I got pregnant I'm feeling something close to labor pain. It feels sort of like period cramps but more all over. It doesn't feel good. :(

Family Affairs

2008-05-25T08:36:00.004+03:00

Yesterday my brother got married, and I couldn't be there. I'm too advanced in my pregnancy to be allowed to fly to San Francisco where the wedding took place.

This fact that I couldn't be at my only brother's wedding nagged on me for the last many months. Sometimes I really hate that my family is scattered all around the world. That's why I'm really happy about moving to Korea (another post) and being close to my parents and my extended family. I would never have thought that I'd be the type to want to live close to family. But after years of living far away from them, I really appreciate what it means to be family.

Now Is the Month of Maying

2008-05-21T06:40:00.006+03:00

I haven't blogged a while, but many things have happened this month, some eventful and some not.

For one thing, I've gotten in touch with a friend from the past, Michelle who I knew when I was a student at Barnard more than ten years back. She looked me up out of the blue and saw my wedding registry from two years ago. She initially contacted David whose email was registered with this particular registry. I'm super happy to connect with Michelle again. She used to be a real friend back then. We even went to the Atlanta Olympics together in 1998.
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A lot of the baby related things are getting done on schedule. We were given many things by Shmulik and Tanapa as I posted earlier. We also bought some of the things. People keep offering up to donate their old baby things that we haven't had a chance to indulge ourselves to buy new things! I really want to buy a McClaren Techno XT pram after the initial four months, when the baby needs to lie down flat, are through with a used pram given to us by our dear friends Merav and Amir. Then yesterday someone else volunteered to give us a "like-new" PegPerego pram. I suppose the baby's so small and won't even know the difference, but I can't help myself feeling guilty about piling used items on such a new person. But who can deny free things?
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In the mean while, David was offered a job post in Korea at a university, and turned it down. Then out of the blue a better option turned up, also in Korea, by an old colleague who is now working in Korea. It was a hard decision the first time around, but now we simply don't know what to do. To go or not to go?!
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So far no success was made in locating a special USB cable needed for the Olympus digital camera that I own. It was originally a camera I bought for my dad for his last birthday. Then Mom confiscated it from him and decided to give it (back) to me because he wasn't using it. When the package arrived it came without the USB and AV cables that the instruction says it should. Dad doesn't remember the existence of these items, so I decided to go and buy new ones here. Apparently the type of USB cable Olympus uses is a special kind with five pins instead of six which is standard. It's so frustrating to have a camera ready and not the cable!!
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Yesterday, Yuen and I went to Zara and bought this beautiful flowing dress for me. It's in blue and eggplant prints, and goes all the way to my ankles which is great because I can use some camouflage around my legs at the moment! It's a halter top with wide ribbon to be tied up my neck, and the ribbon is long enough that it flows down to my chest. The chest area is scooped and cut like a bikini top. This caused David to say "You're poring out of there!", but I can't help it. I'm pouring out of most all cloths at this stage. From below the chest it's got lots of folds and simply flows. Too bad I can't show it in a picture alas to the cable! I feel beautifully pregnant in this dress and Yuen assured me that I can wear it "even after you give birth since you will still have some stomach for a while." Great.

The beach in Haifa is heavenly this time of the year. I love so much to go there with Ocean (our dog) for a walk.

Catching Up

2008-05-06T22:12:00.003+03:00

My friend Michelle and I met back when we were freshmen at Barnard college. She and I lived in the same dorm, and we used to get up to all kinds of mischief together. Oh wait, I think that was me, and she was the sane one who kept me in check...

Michelle was a judoka (and still is, it turned out) which meant that she was dead serious about Judo. She used to let me come to her practice and watch. Her dream was to be part of the U.S. Olympic team. She eventually moved to Colorado and transferred to Colorado College to be near the Olympic Training Center. As for me, I dropped out of Barnard and moved to Hong Kong.

We were still in touch until about two years after I moved to HK. Then we didn't talk again until one day recently she found David's contact, and enquired about me! I had changed my email address since, and I guess I had forgotten to let her know. So many things have happened since anyhow. There are many things that we didn't share with each other anymore.

I was ecstatic about being put in touch again with Michelle. We are now writing to each other very very often, like everyday, and we spoke on the phone for good two hours catching up with things. I should have known that she's extremely accepting and open. My life took lots of turns since we last saw each other, and I wasn't sure how to go about telling her all the things, but she got them as they were, like a good friend would. I always loved that about her.

I hope Michelle and I can see each other soon. That day will come once I give birth and she's done with the Olympics trial and possibly attendance this year. Yay!

Bye Paola, and Good Luck!

2008-05-05T12:43:00.003+03:00

My friend Paola has left Israel this morning to give birth in Italy where she comes from. She's one of the first friends that I made in Israel. In fact she and I met in the conversion course in which I enrolled when I first arrived in Israel two and a half years ago. At that time, we were both alone in the country (her husband still in London and mine in Hong Kong), and didn't know exactly what we were doing. We held on to each other for support and whatever little good time we could manage given the circumstances. I will never forget how we used to roam the whole city of Jerusalem from the shuk to the ancient sites in the old city.

Since our time in Jerusalem, I moved to Haifa with David and Paola to Tel Aviv with Uzzy, but our friendship continued through daily phone conversations, and weekly meetings in Tel Aviv coffee shops. She was also kind enough to be a subject of my makeup work several times when I desperately needed to build up my portfolio.

I don't know what course Paola's life will take now that she left Israel (long story). I hope the very very best for my dear friend Paola.

Hand-me-downs

2008-05-01T17:20:00.001+03:00

Yesterday, David and I drove down to Jerusalem to pick up some baby stuff from our friends Shmulik and Tanapa. Their baby Shir is two years old now, and they had lots of things they wanted to hand down to us for our little baby-to-come.

The things we received include: a baby crib for 0 to 5 months old babies; a play pan crib (which I love. I think it will be extra useful for us since we have a dog. With this apparatus I can do things around the house without worrying about our dog attacking the baby.); loads and loads of clothes; push cart for the baby to hold on to while practicing walking.

Tanapa also gave me some lessons on what to do with the baby. For example, she told me that I need to have our baby play on his stomach when he's awake in order to practice his neck muscles.

I was told "Wow, you're fat now!" when I walked into their apartment. I guess I am much bigger, but at this stage I feel OK about the way I look. I'm going to post a few pictures of my belly when I figure out the camera Mom sent me.

Passover

2008-04-23T22:57:00.001+03:00

This week Jews are celebrating one of the most festive holidays of Passover. It lasts a whole week, with its first and last days being more holy and the days in between being less so.

This year, David's mother Joan and her husband Pesach are visiting Haifa for the holiday, so we see them every evening for dinner in their hotel. It's been nice to catch up with Joan. It seems like Joan is putting up with a lot with Pesach these days. He's eighty six and his mental strength has been going down.

Yesterday was really fun. David and I met up with a professor visiting at David's university. His name is Andrew, and he is a very interesting guy. Then in the afternoon we took Ocean to the beach, which we all loved.

Today Miriam and her family came to stay with us until Friday. I'm really loving this week.

Low Blood-pressure Ruined My Day... or Maybe I'm Not Strong Enough?

2008-04-14T13:14:00.002+03:00

I was planning to go to Tel Aviv today to look at some of the photos that I did makeup for and make decisions on the prints. Plus my friend Paola will be leaving Israel in a few weeks to give birth in Milano where she comes from, so I was looking forward to meeting up with her while I'm in Tel Aviv as well.

This morning when I got up, though, I didn't feel great. I guess I didn't drink all the water that I needed to drink to keep up my blood pressure last night. I drank at least two liters though! I felt faint and hard of breathing. Since my last fainting spell, I'm a bit afraid of doing things when I feel this way. Doctors tell me this issue is temporary which will last only as long as the pregnancy, and that it's much better that the blood pressure be low and not high. So I'm not worried. Just annoyed.

Here in Israel, women are much tougher than the women I see outside. They manage so much while they're pregnant. Almost all the women I know here continue to work until the moment they're due to give birth while looking after their household and taking care of their existing children. Without the help of nannies.

Well developed daycare system in the country seems to make the matter easier. You can bring your child to a daycare as early as when the baby is three months old. But all in all, I think it takes a very strong woman to be able to leave your baby to someone else when the baby's so so small.

The point is, I feel kind of stupid that I'm not managing as well as these strong women I see around.

Pesach Is Coming

2008-04-13T14:41:00.001+03:00

Passover is approaching and it's time for cleaning. As some of you know, I have some problem with cleaning the house. I didn't grow up cleaning after myself, and when I became an adult and had to run my own place, I had a full-time helper who took care of every household duties for me... until I came to live in Israel, that is.

The fact of the matter is I HATE dirty places, but it it turns out I hate more the tiding up, so a lot of times I find myself not so pleased with my existence at home. Only when I couldn't take it anymore I get up and start cleaning and organizing the house until it's anally clean. (Wow, that sounds really kind of crazy...)

It's probably a good thing that I will be forced to clean this week since it's important to keep up cleanliness when the baby arrives. But then, how clean is really clean? I can start getting really mad and spend all day doing it, you see. The thought of spending hours on that kind of mundane fact of life as cleaning truly depresses me, though. I think I'll finally have to give in to hiring help, after months of telling myself that I can be self-sufficient and frugal especially since I'm not working so much.