Tooth Agony

I had a tooth extracted today. Apparently, the tooth was "very ill" and there was "nothing to be done." I was horrified because I generally had excellent teeth all my life and never really had to get them treated except for getting them cleaned. True, I have been eating lots of sweets since I conceived Liam, a practice unusual to my pre-baby era. I'd always been a meal kind of person, you see. But who knew that a tooth can go so wrong in just a year? I'm very distraught.

Mama Crazy

Ealier today I went out to walk my dog Ocean on his afternoon walk. I had Liam strapped on me on Baby Bjorn as I usually do when I take Ocean out. It's a bit of a funny sight, me, Ocean and Liam together, but this is how we fare. Anyhow, we ran into an older gentleman aquintance from the neighborhood who has a dog of his own. He and I haven't seen each other for a few months, so he met Liam for the first time.

Aquaintance: "Your baby is a boy or a girl? Boy, yes?"
(We get this a lot because he's features are kind of gentle.)

Me: "Yes."

Aquaintance: "He's very handsome."

Me: "Yes."

We chatted some more after those exchanges before parting our ways to continue walking our respective dogs. Only after Ocean made two or three more pees, I've realized the blunder I've made. The thing to say was "Thank you", wasn't it? I am turning into a crazy mom.

Choice

Ever since David was offered a job in Korea, we have been doing the game of back and forth in deciding whether to take the job and make that move to Korea. We've said yes, then we've said no, then yes again, and yes, this time we ARE really coming don't worry.

I was, for the most part, thrilled about the prospect of going to Korea. I couldn't wait for the exciting city life opposite of the mundaneness that surrounds me here in Haifa. I will at last be in an environment not so foreign and alienating. I will be going home.

On the other hand, life won't be as exciting and easy for David. It will be difficult for him to find the same camaraderie he has here. Then there is the kosher food issue. He'll have to live eating only fish and vegetables. Given that there are people who eat only fish and vegetables by choice, it's not the end of the world. However, this will be from the lack of choice for David. I'll be plucking out a man happily indulging himself in meat eating and move him to a land where he can't do. I'm worried because my husband is so thin as it is. But the most important issue will be that He won't find the Jewish community in Korea that he'll be able to relate to. It will be like for him how it is for me here. I don't wish this kind of loneliness on anyone, god forbid.

I had been extremely unhappy in Israel until Liam came to my life. I was unmotivated to get on because I was dying to leave. Things have changed somewhat. I began working and I am satisfied with the kind of work I'm receiving. That helps a lot. Then my baby Liamie. I want stability for him. I can see that he'll be happy here with David's family and with the friends we have made.

Can you see that I'm confused? What to do??

Back to Normal

David came back. He took a train from the airport to come home. I made roast chicken and orange soup (pumpkin, carrots, and sweet potato concoction) and went to pick him up at the train station.

I'm glad everything came back to normal. I felt relieved to see his face.

Chronicle Mundane

Today was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. Among the things that happened today are:

1. The dentist I went to (I won't call her 'my dentist' because I never had her before.) today told me that I need to take out a tooth and get an implant. Crap! I'm getting a second opinion.

2. I had my teeth cleaned. A horrible experience.

3. On the way to Pilates this morning, I got stuck in the worst case of traffic. As a result I got to listen to lots of techno/dance type songs from the 90's on the radio (Gagalatz) which put me in a flighty mood. I was happy although I was 20 minutes late.

3. My mother-in-law came from Jerusalem to keep me company and we had lunch together before we returned home to relieve my nanny. Over lunch she told me about how most of her friends are sick with all kinds of different health issues.

4. Liam still cried for a few minutes before falling asleep for naps from my de-Ferberization blunder. I felt awful that I wasn't supposed to go in to pick him up and I felt like a failure of a parent.

5. Got a call from my agency for an assignment but had to refuse it because of time conflict. I hate that because I don't have anything solid until March when I start working for the opera. I really need to start working more.

6. Afternoon was spent doing busy work around the apartment while my mother-in-law played with Liam.

7. Over some fruit tea, I spoke to my mother-in-law about how I feel about living in Israel. It was the first time I ever told her honestly about how unhappy I am here. Then she told me I should have known when I married a redheaded Jewish man that this was expected of my life that I live in Israel. I could see that she was afraid that we might leave. She doesn't know that David has a job offer in Korea. I wanted to tell her that David could also have taken into consideration that he couldn't just insist on (of which he doesn't. He just wants it very much.) his own ideology when he married a woman who wasn't Jewish and who is Korean. But I didn't do that because she's an old lady and she's mostly so nice and she came to visit me all the way from Jerusalem on an inter-city bus. I just told her that I knew what she meant and that's the reason why I took all this on. Then she understood me.

8. Earlier on I stopped by the beach before I went to pick up my mother-in-law at the bus station. The sea was the most beautiful kind of blues meshed together. Yes, I live in a beautiful city. For that, I am grateful.

Loving Liam

Everyday, I find myself becoming more and more attached to Liam. Looking back to our first encounter face to face at the hospital bed though, I think I wasn't all that into him at first. I feigned exhaustion to hand him over to David. Well, I was tired, but what I felt was fear of having to love like a good mother. I wasn't sure if I can love this new person like I would love someone I know.

Although I was in an insanely strong instinctive state of mind to care for him, it's hard to describe that feeling as love that comes from attachment to another human being. It was more like self-love. He still felt to me like he was part of my body who just happened to be lying outside for a change. I only realized for the first time that I cared about myself that much. I wanted everything to be ALL RIGHT for him.

Now things have changed. Liam is a few days over six months old now and he began smiling a lot. And when he looks up from his rolling about carpet to give me his gummy smile, my heart just goes. I had to hold back tears from coming out a few times, even. The tears of absolute joy.

Of course I still want everything to be alright for him and much much more. My innate love for him(myself?) still causes for me to feel totally protective of him. What is extra is that he gives me all this pleasure. It's the best sort of pleasure ever. So, I love him like another human being AND like myself. I'm just hoping that I don't become one of those overly attached and projecting kind of parent.
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Liam normally wakes up about twice to nurse each night. Last two nights I was greedy for comfort and took him to my bed to feed him and to keep him there with me. After he turned five months old, we have Ferberized him and he's been soothing himself to sleep. When he gets up to eat he would go right back to sleep after feeding without crying. Until today. It turns out I have de-Ferberized him by taking him with me to bed. He looked around for comfort instead of comforting himself. When he saw that I wasn't going to pick him up, he cried hard. I am a cruel mother for not having been consistent. I felt bad enough the first time around that I had to leave a crying baby to condition him to fend for himself. Now I had to do it twice. Lesson is surely learned by me.
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To fix what I wrote yesterday, I miss David A LOT for the CONVENIENCE. I learned in his absence that he's damn helpful with Liam and around the house.

When I Think of the Men

David is in Paris. The oddest thing is when people hear that he's in Paris, they ask, "For work?"...! No, for pleasure. Without me. With his girlfriend, and I'm telling you about it nonchalantly... I guess Paris makes people think of things other than work. There is a conference being held and David is attending. It is attended by the usual academic crowd that he's familiar with from all the years he's been around, so it's interesting to listen to him tell me the gossips and dramas that go on.

My ex-boyfriend A is from Paris although I think he lives in Monaco now. After our relationship faded out with the unclear ending, I visited Paris for closure. I used to be very in love with him, so it was painful to have to relate to him so casually, as a friend. It was also sad to say goodbye- the goodbye wasn't as much spoken as I told myself I probably shouldn't make any further contact with her- to his sister who I liked so much. She liked me too, but she would have been too loyal to her brother to keep in touch with me.


Certain insights remind me of my exes. For example, when a girl friend tells me about her mishap with her husband. I remember how that story matches how it was with T, the banker boyfriend I had. Then I realize only now that he might have been more of an asshole than I thought. Sometimes it's something positive. When I'm cooking some Thai inspired dish for dinner, fish with cilantro, let's say, I suddenly remember the beautiful meal I had with that same T in Phuket in a quiet restaurant in a spa in Phuket.

Thoughts on past relationships make me feel slightly guilty. I have David and Liam now, one side of myself tells me. No need to dwell on the past. If they knew (If Liam will have known, I imagine.) that I daydream about my past, perhaps they wouldn't be so thrilled. But I don't suppress the thoughts. I actually enjoy them.


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Since I'm alone in the evening, all the chores regarding Liam that David and I share usually have to be done alone. I miss David a little for the partnership rather than for the convenience.

Winter Snacking

My new favorite mid-morning snack: Wizotsky Rooibos tea in vanilla flavor with milk and no sugar with Organic Graham crackers with honey. The crackers should be dunk in the tea just for a split second and not more to keep the texture just so. Love it.