Loving Liam

Everyday, I find myself becoming more and more attached to Liam. Looking back to our first encounter face to face at the hospital bed though, I think I wasn't all that into him at first. I feigned exhaustion to hand him over to David. Well, I was tired, but what I felt was fear of having to love like a good mother. I wasn't sure if I can love this new person like I would love someone I know.

Although I was in an insanely strong instinctive state of mind to care for him, it's hard to describe that feeling as love that comes from attachment to another human being. It was more like self-love. He still felt to me like he was part of my body who just happened to be lying outside for a change. I only realized for the first time that I cared about myself that much. I wanted everything to be ALL RIGHT for him.

Now things have changed. Liam is a few days over six months old now and he began smiling a lot. And when he looks up from his rolling about carpet to give me his gummy smile, my heart just goes. I had to hold back tears from coming out a few times, even. The tears of absolute joy.

Of course I still want everything to be alright for him and much much more. My innate love for him(myself?) still causes for me to feel totally protective of him. What is extra is that he gives me all this pleasure. It's the best sort of pleasure ever. So, I love him like another human being AND like myself. I'm just hoping that I don't become one of those overly attached and projecting kind of parent.
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Liam normally wakes up about twice to nurse each night. Last two nights I was greedy for comfort and took him to my bed to feed him and to keep him there with me. After he turned five months old, we have Ferberized him and he's been soothing himself to sleep. When he gets up to eat he would go right back to sleep after feeding without crying. Until today. It turns out I have de-Ferberized him by taking him with me to bed. He looked around for comfort instead of comforting himself. When he saw that I wasn't going to pick him up, he cried hard. I am a cruel mother for not having been consistent. I felt bad enough the first time around that I had to leave a crying baby to condition him to fend for himself. Now I had to do it twice. Lesson is surely learned by me.
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To fix what I wrote yesterday, I miss David A LOT for the CONVENIENCE. I learned in his absence that he's damn helpful with Liam and around the house.