When I Think of the Men

David is in Paris. The oddest thing is when people hear that he's in Paris, they ask, "For work?"...! No, for pleasure. Without me. With his girlfriend, and I'm telling you about it nonchalantly... I guess Paris makes people think of things other than work. There is a conference being held and David is attending. It is attended by the usual academic crowd that he's familiar with from all the years he's been around, so it's interesting to listen to him tell me the gossips and dramas that go on.

My ex-boyfriend A is from Paris although I think he lives in Monaco now. After our relationship faded out with the unclear ending, I visited Paris for closure. I used to be very in love with him, so it was painful to have to relate to him so casually, as a friend. It was also sad to say goodbye- the goodbye wasn't as much spoken as I told myself I probably shouldn't make any further contact with her- to his sister who I liked so much. She liked me too, but she would have been too loyal to her brother to keep in touch with me.


Certain insights remind me of my exes. For example, when a girl friend tells me about her mishap with her husband. I remember how that story matches how it was with T, the banker boyfriend I had. Then I realize only now that he might have been more of an asshole than I thought. Sometimes it's something positive. When I'm cooking some Thai inspired dish for dinner, fish with cilantro, let's say, I suddenly remember the beautiful meal I had with that same T in Phuket in a quiet restaurant in a spa in Phuket.

Thoughts on past relationships make me feel slightly guilty. I have David and Liam now, one side of myself tells me. No need to dwell on the past. If they knew (If Liam will have known, I imagine.) that I daydream about my past, perhaps they wouldn't be so thrilled. But I don't suppress the thoughts. I actually enjoy them.


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Since I'm alone in the evening, all the chores regarding Liam that David and I share usually have to be done alone. I miss David a little for the partnership rather than for the convenience.