Tooth Agony

I had a tooth extracted today. Apparently, the tooth was "very ill" and there was "nothing to be done." I was horrified because I generally had excellent teeth all my life and never really had to get them treated except for getting them cleaned. True, I have been eating lots of sweets since I conceived Liam, a practice unusual to my pre-baby era. I'd always been a meal kind of person, you see. But who knew that a tooth can go so wrong in just a year? I'm very distraught.

Mama Crazy

Ealier today I went out to walk my dog Ocean on his afternoon walk. I had Liam strapped on me on Baby Bjorn as I usually do when I take Ocean out. It's a bit of a funny sight, me, Ocean and Liam together, but this is how we fare. Anyhow, we ran into an older gentleman aquintance from the neighborhood who has a dog of his own. He and I haven't seen each other for a few months, so he met Liam for the first time.

Aquaintance: "Your baby is a boy or a girl? Boy, yes?"
(We get this a lot because he's features are kind of gentle.)

Me: "Yes."

Aquaintance: "He's very handsome."

Me: "Yes."

We chatted some more after those exchanges before parting our ways to continue walking our respective dogs. Only after Ocean made two or three more pees, I've realized the blunder I've made. The thing to say was "Thank you", wasn't it? I am turning into a crazy mom.

Choice

Ever since David was offered a job in Korea, we have been doing the game of back and forth in deciding whether to take the job and make that move to Korea. We've said yes, then we've said no, then yes again, and yes, this time we ARE really coming don't worry.

I was, for the most part, thrilled about the prospect of going to Korea. I couldn't wait for the exciting city life opposite of the mundaneness that surrounds me here in Haifa. I will at last be in an environment not so foreign and alienating. I will be going home.

On the other hand, life won't be as exciting and easy for David. It will be difficult for him to find the same camaraderie he has here. Then there is the kosher food issue. He'll have to live eating only fish and vegetables. Given that there are people who eat only fish and vegetables by choice, it's not the end of the world. However, this will be from the lack of choice for David. I'll be plucking out a man happily indulging himself in meat eating and move him to a land where he can't do. I'm worried because my husband is so thin as it is. But the most important issue will be that He won't find the Jewish community in Korea that he'll be able to relate to. It will be like for him how it is for me here. I don't wish this kind of loneliness on anyone, god forbid.

I had been extremely unhappy in Israel until Liam came to my life. I was unmotivated to get on because I was dying to leave. Things have changed somewhat. I began working and I am satisfied with the kind of work I'm receiving. That helps a lot. Then my baby Liamie. I want stability for him. I can see that he'll be happy here with David's family and with the friends we have made.

Can you see that I'm confused? What to do??

Back to Normal

David came back. He took a train from the airport to come home. I made roast chicken and orange soup (pumpkin, carrots, and sweet potato concoction) and went to pick him up at the train station.

I'm glad everything came back to normal. I felt relieved to see his face.

Chronicle Mundane

Today was a long day. I'm glad that it's over. Among the things that happened today are:

1. The dentist I went to (I won't call her 'my dentist' because I never had her before.) today told me that I need to take out a tooth and get an implant. Crap! I'm getting a second opinion.

2. I had my teeth cleaned. A horrible experience.

3. On the way to Pilates this morning, I got stuck in the worst case of traffic. As a result I got to listen to lots of techno/dance type songs from the 90's on the radio (Gagalatz) which put me in a flighty mood. I was happy although I was 20 minutes late.

3. My mother-in-law came from Jerusalem to keep me company and we had lunch together before we returned home to relieve my nanny. Over lunch she told me about how most of her friends are sick with all kinds of different health issues.

4. Liam still cried for a few minutes before falling asleep for naps from my de-Ferberization blunder. I felt awful that I wasn't supposed to go in to pick him up and I felt like a failure of a parent.

5. Got a call from my agency for an assignment but had to refuse it because of time conflict. I hate that because I don't have anything solid until March when I start working for the opera. I really need to start working more.

6. Afternoon was spent doing busy work around the apartment while my mother-in-law played with Liam.

7. Over some fruit tea, I spoke to my mother-in-law about how I feel about living in Israel. It was the first time I ever told her honestly about how unhappy I am here. Then she told me I should have known when I married a redheaded Jewish man that this was expected of my life that I live in Israel. I could see that she was afraid that we might leave. She doesn't know that David has a job offer in Korea. I wanted to tell her that David could also have taken into consideration that he couldn't just insist on (of which he doesn't. He just wants it very much.) his own ideology when he married a woman who wasn't Jewish and who is Korean. But I didn't do that because she's an old lady and she's mostly so nice and she came to visit me all the way from Jerusalem on an inter-city bus. I just told her that I knew what she meant and that's the reason why I took all this on. Then she understood me.

8. Earlier on I stopped by the beach before I went to pick up my mother-in-law at the bus station. The sea was the most beautiful kind of blues meshed together. Yes, I live in a beautiful city. For that, I am grateful.

Loving Liam

Everyday, I find myself becoming more and more attached to Liam. Looking back to our first encounter face to face at the hospital bed though, I think I wasn't all that into him at first. I feigned exhaustion to hand him over to David. Well, I was tired, but what I felt was fear of having to love like a good mother. I wasn't sure if I can love this new person like I would love someone I know.

Although I was in an insanely strong instinctive state of mind to care for him, it's hard to describe that feeling as love that comes from attachment to another human being. It was more like self-love. He still felt to me like he was part of my body who just happened to be lying outside for a change. I only realized for the first time that I cared about myself that much. I wanted everything to be ALL RIGHT for him.

Now things have changed. Liam is a few days over six months old now and he began smiling a lot. And when he looks up from his rolling about carpet to give me his gummy smile, my heart just goes. I had to hold back tears from coming out a few times, even. The tears of absolute joy.

Of course I still want everything to be alright for him and much much more. My innate love for him(myself?) still causes for me to feel totally protective of him. What is extra is that he gives me all this pleasure. It's the best sort of pleasure ever. So, I love him like another human being AND like myself. I'm just hoping that I don't become one of those overly attached and projecting kind of parent.
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Liam normally wakes up about twice to nurse each night. Last two nights I was greedy for comfort and took him to my bed to feed him and to keep him there with me. After he turned five months old, we have Ferberized him and he's been soothing himself to sleep. When he gets up to eat he would go right back to sleep after feeding without crying. Until today. It turns out I have de-Ferberized him by taking him with me to bed. He looked around for comfort instead of comforting himself. When he saw that I wasn't going to pick him up, he cried hard. I am a cruel mother for not having been consistent. I felt bad enough the first time around that I had to leave a crying baby to condition him to fend for himself. Now I had to do it twice. Lesson is surely learned by me.
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To fix what I wrote yesterday, I miss David A LOT for the CONVENIENCE. I learned in his absence that he's damn helpful with Liam and around the house.

When I Think of the Men

David is in Paris. The oddest thing is when people hear that he's in Paris, they ask, "For work?"...! No, for pleasure. Without me. With his girlfriend, and I'm telling you about it nonchalantly... I guess Paris makes people think of things other than work. There is a conference being held and David is attending. It is attended by the usual academic crowd that he's familiar with from all the years he's been around, so it's interesting to listen to him tell me the gossips and dramas that go on.

My ex-boyfriend A is from Paris although I think he lives in Monaco now. After our relationship faded out with the unclear ending, I visited Paris for closure. I used to be very in love with him, so it was painful to have to relate to him so casually, as a friend. It was also sad to say goodbye- the goodbye wasn't as much spoken as I told myself I probably shouldn't make any further contact with her- to his sister who I liked so much. She liked me too, but she would have been too loyal to her brother to keep in touch with me.


Certain insights remind me of my exes. For example, when a girl friend tells me about her mishap with her husband. I remember how that story matches how it was with T, the banker boyfriend I had. Then I realize only now that he might have been more of an asshole than I thought. Sometimes it's something positive. When I'm cooking some Thai inspired dish for dinner, fish with cilantro, let's say, I suddenly remember the beautiful meal I had with that same T in Phuket in a quiet restaurant in a spa in Phuket.

Thoughts on past relationships make me feel slightly guilty. I have David and Liam now, one side of myself tells me. No need to dwell on the past. If they knew (If Liam will have known, I imagine.) that I daydream about my past, perhaps they wouldn't be so thrilled. But I don't suppress the thoughts. I actually enjoy them.


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Since I'm alone in the evening, all the chores regarding Liam that David and I share usually have to be done alone. I miss David a little for the partnership rather than for the convenience.

Winter Snacking

My new favorite mid-morning snack: Wizotsky Rooibos tea in vanilla flavor with milk and no sugar with Organic Graham crackers with honey. The crackers should be dunk in the tea just for a split second and not more to keep the texture just so. Love it.

My Baby at 5 Months

Beautiful, isn't he? I know, it's not so modest of me, but I can't help it. I love him.

Growing Pain - Part 3

When I had the sudden inspiration to write about Michelle a little while back, I didn't intend to drag this story out like this. I happened to have mended some uneven patches with her just then, and I wanted to blog about it so that I can organize my thoughts and feelings after the occasion. If my thoughts and feelings are organized, I'm not sure, and sadly, I'm a little too swamped with things at the moment to care. So this is the last blog on this subject matter:

I wrote in Part 2 of the story that life was good and exciting. Well, it wasn't THAT good. My marriage of two years to David wasn't going well. I got married at twenty one, you see. I had been awful in love with David and got married quickly after having met him in New York. Then to follow him to Hong Kong was a big undertaking. I was too young and unstable to handle big issues we had in our relationship. We decided to separate for a try. To facilitate the decision, David took a six months sabbatical to Israel while I stayed on in Hong Kong to continue on with things.

After David left for Israel, I realized I felt suddenly relieved from horrible burden from my failing relationship with David. I am much better at dealing with things head on now, but back then, I used to love putting matters aside in favor of frivolous denial. Surely, going out with Michelle for a night of wild fun seemed much more in vogue than mulling things over alone at home. After a month or so of living it up, I've decided that partying is what I wanted, not a serious relationship that gave me pain.

Michelle and I went out night after night in search of pleasure, and quite frankly, of men. I was living a life of a Hedonist and and an Escapist. As a default, so was she. Looking back, Michelle didn't know exactly what she was doing. I influenced her in a big way and she basically followed my way. She was younger than me, and perhaps I should have protected her from all the craziness that went on. Michelle began experiencing social confusion and financial trouble. she seemed to blame me for the bad relationship dynamics she got herself into with real asshole types rampant in Hong Kong playground. I knew even then that she was trying to distance herself from me after she started seeing me as the source of distress in her life. This fact bothered me very much because in my limited ways I thought I was being her real friend by introducing her to the life that she was curious about at that time. The truth was, I myself needed so much guidance. I was young and vastly lost from my past endeavors and marital failure.

Eventually, Michelle got herself together and took off for a fancy job in Singapore. By that time our friendship was close to non-existence, but I was still hurt when after all the youthful camaraderie she moved without bidding me farewell. What happened to me is another story, but all in all, I got back together with David after a few years separation.

I continued to hear about Michelle through a mutual friend until one day she got married to an English block and gave birth to her daughter. I had mixed feelings when I received from her, after a long period of absence, an email with pictures of her daughter. A haphazard words of congratulations was all I could muster up without sounding like I didn't care. Since then though, Michelle continued to send me regards, emailing periodically and sending me SMS on my birthdays. Then I myself gave birth to Liam. Giving birth made me mature in a few unwarranted ways. One of them was the desire to sort out the past doings. I sent an email (Thank god for emails!!) to her initiating a talk and she replied like a real grown up that she is. It was great to act so maturely for once. Fin.

Liam drools on David

These are my boys.

Growing Pain- Part II

So thereafter, Michelle and I became quick friends. We went everywhere together. She showed me all the cool local hunts and I showed her my expat friends and Lan Kwai Fong. We would cut class and go yam cha in a quaint dim sum restaurant in the old Sheung Wan district. Then when the school's over for the day we'd go to Lan Kwai Fong for a grown up cocktail or two. We'd eat Thai in the Central's outdoor back alley, shoulder to shoulder with other city dwellers. Sometimes we'd take Star Ferry over to the mainland to venture in Tsim Sha Tsui shopping. Life was good and exciting.

My New Jazz Age Haircut

I wanted a change badly, so I took a risk and had a bunch of my hair cut off. I felt a small tinge of separation anxiety when I saw the hairdresser assistant swept the long chunks of my hair off to the side of the floor. But voila here is my new look and I'm happy! It's meant to be more "This Side of Paradise" than a flipper. I know, I know, I made that up. The way it's going now without blow drying for the third day in a row, it's going to end up looking more like a junior high girl's hair before she found her own style. Well, anyhow i love it.

Growing Pain- Part I

I met Michelle T. when I was twenty three in the Hong Kong University coffee shop. I was still new to Hong Kong, and as an undergrad transfer student from New York, I felt out of sort amidst the younger Chinese university student colleagues. I saw myself as old and unfit to be there. Imagine that? I'd die to be twenty three again now, but that's how I felt then. I was already married yet I was still a kid, and comparing myself to the other naive kids who may have still been virgins I had mixed feelings of superiority and shame.

It was may be the first or the second day of school, I don't recall exactly. Exhausted from the class hopping in the new environment, I made my way to the coffee shop on the main square on campus. The venue was crowded with hungry people hunting for food and seats. I maneuvered my way to the pay station with a tray of toastie and a Diet Coke and snatched a table quickly shamelessly demonstrating my competitiveness (and perhaps rudeness) a la Korean style. Once seated, I opened the can of Diet Coke- the drink of choice by me in those days, always dieting- and lit a Marlboro Light, ready to start people watching. This was the moment I spotted Michelle T. And she spotted me too! It was a classic moment of friendship at first sight. I recognized the uncanny coolness in her looks and demeanor right away. She stood out like a rose in a bush of weeds, like a flamboyant soul among, let's say, a bunch of bankers. And as for me, well, it was clear that she also noticed me because she actually came up to my table and said she had noticed me earlier on campus would it be OK if she sat next to me.

Truth Be Told

The thing about blogging is that I'm a little confused about who my readers should be. Originally I decided to start blogging in order to keep track of myself as well as to keep my friends and family posted on what I'm up to since I'm never in their lives by the default that is where I live. What I didn't realize was that friends and family and myself was too big of an audience group to satisfy.
The question of subject matter surfaced when deciding to whom among the "friends and family" I let known the existence of my blog. I mean, what if I want to talk about the future move to Korea and some of the family members aren't supposed to know about it just yet? Maybe I want to write up on kinky thoughts or on ex-boyfriends? Eventually I decided that my blog will be a "clean" blog. Nothing dirty, nothing I wouldn't hang on my laundry line out the window.
But that's about to change now. Now, I WILL talk about everything I want. I WILL banter on friendships gone wrong; I WILL go on and on about the shoes I saw at the mall the other day; I WILL talk about how awful it is to work on a make-up gig in Israel because the people involved are so horrible; and maybe if I'm in the mood, I might even write about my political inclination or the lack there of. The only "family and friends" reading my blog posts are Michelle and David anyway. (Hello! and hello!)
So to celebrate this *bold* move, I'm going to write about Michelle (No not the one I mentioned in my earlier post.), a friend from Hong Kong in the upcoming post. (I am going through a growth spurt right now-- I'm mending things from the past.)

I LOVE being Mom to Liam.

I just LOVE being Mom to Liam. Everyday after David goes to work, I get giddy with the anticipation that I'll spend the whole day with Liam. It turns out I had it in me like all the others before me.

Liam

Yesterday was our baby's Brit. It's the most nerve-wrecking thing for a mom!! I was literally horrified during the service, but Baby did fine and didn't even cry so much. He was named Liam Baruch Bodoff. The first name Laim was suggested by Christine, my dear friend. Liam works both in English (Gaelic?) and Hebrew. In Gaelic, it means "protector." In Hebrew, Liam means "To me people/nation."

For the longest time when he was in my womb, David and I thought Harry would be a good name for our cute little baby to come. When he came out, though, we realized we needed to give him a more serious name. He looked so serious! We also wanted to give him a name that is usable both internationally and Hebrew-wise. Liam works just great for all these aspects.

It's a Boy!

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Stats: 5:30 PM; June 12th; 3.61Kg. More to come later. Right now, I'm in love, and totally exhausted...

Labor?

For the first time since I got pregnant I'm feeling something close to labor pain. It feels sort of like period cramps but more all over. It doesn't feel good. :(

Family Affairs

Yesterday my brother got married, and I couldn't be there. I'm too advanced in my pregnancy to be allowed to fly to San Francisco where the wedding took place.

This fact that I couldn't be at my only brother's wedding nagged on me for the last many months. Sometimes I really hate that my family is scattered all around the world. That's why I'm really happy about moving to Korea (another post) and being close to my parents and my extended family. I would never have thought that I'd be the type to want to live close to family. But after years of living far away from them, I really appreciate what it means to be family.

Now Is the Month of Maying

I haven't blogged a while, but many things have happened this month, some eventful and some not.

For one thing, I've gotten in touch with a friend from the past, Michelle who I knew when I was a student at Barnard more than ten years back. She looked me up out of the blue and saw my wedding registry from two years ago. She initially contacted David whose email was registered with this particular registry. I'm super happy to connect with Michelle again. She used to be a real friend back then. We even went to the Atlanta Olympics together in 1998.
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A lot of the baby related things are getting done on schedule. We were given many things by Shmulik and Tanapa as I posted earlier. We also bought some of the things. People keep offering up to donate their old baby things that we haven't had a chance to indulge ourselves to buy new things! I really want to buy a McClaren Techno XT pram after the initial four months, when the baby needs to lie down flat, are through with a used pram given to us by our dear friends Merav and Amir. Then yesterday someone else volunteered to give us a "like-new" PegPerego pram. I suppose the baby's so small and won't even know the difference, but I can't help myself feeling guilty about piling used items on such a new person. But who can deny free things?
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In the mean while, David was offered a job post in Korea at a university, and turned it down. Then out of the blue a better option turned up, also in Korea, by an old colleague who is now working in Korea. It was a hard decision the first time around, but now we simply don't know what to do. To go or not to go?!
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So far no success was made in locating a special USB cable needed for the Olympus digital camera that I own. It was originally a camera I bought for my dad for his last birthday. Then Mom confiscated it from him and decided to give it (back) to me because he wasn't using it. When the package arrived it came without the USB and AV cables that the instruction says it should. Dad doesn't remember the existence of these items, so I decided to go and buy new ones here. Apparently the type of USB cable Olympus uses is a special kind with five pins instead of six which is standard. It's so frustrating to have a camera ready and not the cable!!
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Yesterday, Yuen and I went to Zara and bought this beautiful flowing dress for me. It's in blue and eggplant prints, and goes all the way to my ankles which is great because I can use some camouflage around my legs at the moment! It's a halter top with wide ribbon to be tied up my neck, and the ribbon is long enough that it flows down to my chest. The chest area is scooped and cut like a bikini top. This caused David to say "You're poring out of there!", but I can't help it. I'm pouring out of most all cloths at this stage. From below the chest it's got lots of folds and simply flows. Too bad I can't show it in a picture alas to the cable! I feel beautifully pregnant in this dress and Yuen assured me that I can wear it "even after you give birth since you will still have some stomach for a while." Great.

The beach in Haifa is heavenly this time of the year. I love so much to go there with Ocean (our dog) for a walk.

Catching Up

My friend Michelle and I met back when we were freshmen at Barnard college. She and I lived in the same dorm, and we used to get up to all kinds of mischief together. Oh wait, I think that was me, and she was the sane one who kept me in check...

Michelle was a judoka (and still is, it turned out) which meant that she was dead serious about Judo. She used to let me come to her practice and watch. Her dream was to be part of the U.S. Olympic team. She eventually moved to Colorado and transferred to Colorado College to be near the Olympic Training Center. As for me, I dropped out of Barnard and moved to Hong Kong.

We were still in touch until about two years after I moved to HK. Then we didn't talk again until one day recently she found David's contact, and enquired about me! I had changed my email address since, and I guess I had forgotten to let her know. So many things have happened since anyhow. There are many things that we didn't share with each other anymore.

I was ecstatic about being put in touch again with Michelle. We are now writing to each other very very often, like everyday, and we spoke on the phone for good two hours catching up with things. I should have known that she's extremely accepting and open. My life took lots of turns since we last saw each other, and I wasn't sure how to go about telling her all the things, but she got them as they were, like a good friend would. I always loved that about her.

I hope Michelle and I can see each other soon. That day will come once I give birth and she's done with the Olympics trial and possibly attendance this year. Yay!

Bye Paola, and Good Luck!

My friend Paola has left Israel this morning to give birth in Italy where she comes from. She's one of the first friends that I made in Israel. In fact she and I met in the conversion course in which I enrolled when I first arrived in Israel two and a half years ago. At that time, we were both alone in the country (her husband still in London and mine in Hong Kong), and didn't know exactly what we were doing. We held on to each other for support and whatever little good time we could manage given the circumstances. I will never forget how we used to roam the whole city of Jerusalem from the shuk to the ancient sites in the old city.

Since our time in Jerusalem, I moved to Haifa with David and Paola to Tel Aviv with Uzzy, but our friendship continued through daily phone conversations, and weekly meetings in Tel Aviv coffee shops. She was also kind enough to be a subject of my makeup work several times when I desperately needed to build up my portfolio.

I don't know what course Paola's life will take now that she left Israel (long story). I hope the very very best for my dear friend Paola.

Hand-me-downs

Yesterday, David and I drove down to Jerusalem to pick up some baby stuff from our friends Shmulik and Tanapa. Their baby Shir is two years old now, and they had lots of things they wanted to hand down to us for our little baby-to-come.

The things we received include: a baby crib for 0 to 5 months old babies; a play pan crib (which I love. I think it will be extra useful for us since we have a dog. With this apparatus I can do things around the house without worrying about our dog attacking the baby.); loads and loads of clothes; push cart for the baby to hold on to while practicing walking.

Tanapa also gave me some lessons on what to do with the baby. For example, she told me that I need to have our baby play on his stomach when he's awake in order to practice his neck muscles.

I was told "Wow, you're fat now!" when I walked into their apartment. I guess I am much bigger, but at this stage I feel OK about the way I look. I'm going to post a few pictures of my belly when I figure out the camera Mom sent me.

Passover

This week Jews are celebrating one of the most festive holidays of Passover. It lasts a whole week, with its first and last days being more holy and the days in between being less so.

This year, David's mother Joan and her husband Pesach are visiting Haifa for the holiday, so we see them every evening for dinner in their hotel. It's been nice to catch up with Joan. It seems like Joan is putting up with a lot with Pesach these days. He's eighty six and his mental strength has been going down.

Yesterday was really fun. David and I met up with a professor visiting at David's university. His name is Andrew, and he is a very interesting guy. Then in the afternoon we took Ocean to the beach, which we all loved.

Today Miriam and her family came to stay with us until Friday. I'm really loving this week.

Low Blood-pressure Ruined My Day... or Maybe I'm Not Strong Enough?

I was planning to go to Tel Aviv today to look at some of the photos that I did makeup for and make decisions on the prints. Plus my friend Paola will be leaving Israel in a few weeks to give birth in Milano where she comes from, so I was looking forward to meeting up with her while I'm in Tel Aviv as well.

This morning when I got up, though, I didn't feel great. I guess I didn't drink all the water that I needed to drink to keep up my blood pressure last night. I drank at least two liters though! I felt faint and hard of breathing. Since my last fainting spell, I'm a bit afraid of doing things when I feel this way. Doctors tell me this issue is temporary which will last only as long as the pregnancy, and that it's much better that the blood pressure be low and not high. So I'm not worried. Just annoyed.

Here in Israel, women are much tougher than the women I see outside. They manage so much while they're pregnant. Almost all the women I know here continue to work until the moment they're due to give birth while looking after their household and taking care of their existing children. Without the help of nannies.

Well developed daycare system in the country seems to make the matter easier. You can bring your child to a daycare as early as when the baby is three months old. But all in all, I think it takes a very strong woman to be able to leave your baby to someone else when the baby's so so small.

The point is, I feel kind of stupid that I'm not managing as well as these strong women I see around.

Pesach Is Coming

Passover is approaching and it's time for cleaning. As some of you know, I have some problem with cleaning the house. I didn't grow up cleaning after myself, and when I became an adult and had to run my own place, I had a full-time helper who took care of every household duties for me... until I came to live in Israel, that is.

The fact of the matter is I HATE dirty places, but it it turns out I hate more the tiding up, so a lot of times I find myself not so pleased with my existence at home. Only when I couldn't take it anymore I get up and start cleaning and organizing the house until it's anally clean. (Wow, that sounds really kind of crazy...)

It's probably a good thing that I will be forced to clean this week since it's important to keep up cleanliness when the baby arrives. But then, how clean is really clean? I can start getting really mad and spend all day doing it, you see. The thought of spending hours on that kind of mundane fact of life as cleaning truly depresses me, though. I think I'll finally have to give in to hiring help, after months of telling myself that I can be self-sufficient and frugal especially since I'm not working so much.