Closing Up

Not much is going on except that I am thinking a lot about moving and not doing the actual organizing involved to move. I'm also exercising everyday now that I have some time to.

I've been thinking about putting an end to this blog since I don't post so often anyway. It turns out I'm awful at keeping up. I wonder if this is because I'm a much more closed person than I actually believe myself to be. I do find myself more jaded than I used to be. Like I come upon moments of realization that I'm being really cynical.

Things I Love About Being a Mom (to Liam)

A while while back, MKM from Expatriate Games tagged me to write about this topic. At once it got me thinking about all the things and more about what I like and love about being a mom, and particularly being Um-ma (Mom in Korean) to Liam. I add "to Liam" because those two things are different and I only know the latter.



It was also a difficult topic because although I love being a mom, it's not something that's on my concious mind all the time when I care for him. Usually I only remember how happy I am and how lovely my baby is when I'm on the train to go to work or when I have a moment to breathe at work. To be frank, at times, I just want to go off and live as freely as I did pre-baby. Or more freely so at that, now that I know to appreciate not having a responsibility . Of course I will never do that. The state of being Liam's Mom is actually more inate and urgent than most other insticts that occur to me.



One benefit I enjoy from being a mom is that I became a much calmer person. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's mothering instinct. I used to be a bit of a neurotic, but since Liam was born, I am much less so. I feel confident and sure around my baby. Not that I'm certain all the time about my parenting skill, but I know that I'm trying my best to protect him from all ill, and that I am a fair mother. I don't project myself to him and I am mindful to respect him as an individul. I love that having Liam made me grow up.

The following things about Liam makes me love him and that love oddly but specifically translates to what I love about being a mom:
1. He makes me laugh with his brand of humor.
2. He's soft and cuddly.
3. He's hair is so unbelivably soft and it smells amazing.
4. He yells "Um. Ma!" when he sees me.
5. His feet look exactly like mine.
6. He looks like me and miraculousely also like my husband.
7. He is a result of my husband and my history together.
8. He loves to eat everything. Like me!
9. He is a trilingual baby. He understands Korean, English and Hebrew.



More things I love about being a mom are:
I love that I'm helping build my ideal world by having a multicultural, multiracial and multilingual baby.

Beside the very utopiac idea, I simply love that my baby is beautiful. There. I said it. Yes, I am vain, but I can't help but admire my lovely's beautifulness. I really think Liam is an improved version of me and David. With that, I end this post. It's 11 30 at night and I've been up since 4 30 this morning. I'm telling you- being beautiful really helps when you're bugging someone to wake up and play at the break of dawn.

Hello Again

To all five followers of my blog: Sorry that I've disappeared for so long. I can give you all kinds of excuses, but I won't. I'll just write more often and be in touch.

Many things have happened.

My maternal grandmother passed away. I wasn't so close to her because my mother hardly had any relationship with her. The event still affected me and got me thinking about existential issues. My mother who kept her distance from her mother abhorred the idea that they were so similar, an opinion shared by all except to her admission. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and I quietly vowed to myself, not too long ago, that I'd keep certain distance from her so as not to upset both of us. Was that a right decision, now I wonder? Should I try harder? Am I just like my mother?

When my mother in law sent a condolence email to her, my mother wrote back and said she didn't miss her mother. I was horrified to hear that. I hate to have the same sentiment when, god forbid, Mom passes away. Am I, then, to make a conscious choice to make more effort for a better relationship with her?... yet again?

Even though my relationship with my mother has been difficult, the problem was one that I didn't have to "live with" daily. Besides the fact that I am the way I am because of how I was raised by her, I no longer have to deal with anger and all kinds of other negative tendencies (Okay, okay, I have loads of good qualities too, if you're so insisting. They're from her too, but who's asking?) simply because I've been living so far from her since I was eighteen.

Guess what? I'm moving to Korea now. In August. That we'll be in the same country and there's Liam will no doubt bound us close. I don't want to deprive my child of a grandmother.

Going to Korea: the most exciting news besides the arrival of Liam baby. We've decided to go for it. We're telling people that we're going for one year, but in fact, we're keeping our mind open towards staying longer if things work out. If not, we'll return to Israel, move to Tel Aviv, and I'll start my own business. Or so I'm telling myself.

I'm on a new opera production of the season, Carmen. I'm in charge of making up actors who play gypsies, torreros, and Pretty Boys. May I say that I'm thoroughly enjoying having to make up the beautiful men? Me and the gay costume revival manager from Italy who keep coming to our room to take pictures of them. He and I had an odd little encounter. I was finishing up my work when he came in and stood next to a hair and wig person to help with an elaborate hair decoration for an Elegant Lady. He was wearing a pair of bright green Nike sneakers, cute as hell. I said, "I love your shoes!!" Then he just walked away! No "thank you," "fuck off" or anything. I thought maybe I ought not to have initiated any conversation with him because I'm just a makeup artist and he's an important person imported from Italy. Later I found out from an actress that he doesn't talk to women much.

What's going on with Liam: oh, he's so cute!!! He now sticks out his tongue when commanded in Hebrew, English, and Korean. He also looks outside when we talk about the window, daytime/night time, and sky. He really seems to understand all three languages so far. He mixes up languages though. So he will use one language for referring to something and for another object he'll use another language.

Melissa tagged me on what I love about being a mom, so I'll write more on Liam on my next post.

Thanks for keeping with me, folks.

Little Break for a Peace of Mind

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been disorganized for the past month or so, and it's been hard to find time to sit down and write. I'll be taking a break from blogging for a little while. I promise to be back in a couple of weeks. Peace!

Roaming Around

We went to Jerusalem to our mother-in-law's for the weekend. We stopped over at my friend G's on the way. G called yesterday announcing her return from her three months trip to New York, Brazil and South America. She and her husband don't work, travel often and enjoy their lives. I don't need to spell out that I'm quite envious of their lifestyle, yet somehow, I also find it difficult to let go of my need to get somewhere with the career of mine.
G and T have a little boy just three months older than Liam. G being Korean and T being an Ashkenazie Jew, Liam and their baby share many similarities. It gave me happiness to see the two little boys smile at each other the moment they met.
Weekend here being Friday and Saturday, and not including Sunday, we drove back last night. I have to admit, I'm a little bit dreading the next three weeks when I'll have to work nearly everyday. This week I'll be working all seven days.

Hi, I'm Back!

Commuting to work has been not as bad as I anticipated and the curtain closed for the first show I've done. During the lay period until the next show, I've been indulging myself to some Korean drama from mysoju.com. A Korean friend who lives in Jerusalem told me about this site. It lists all sorts of Korean (and other Asian) TV shows and movies. I got hooked on a now completed show called La Dolce Vita (a.k.a. 달콤한 인생). I finished watching the entire twenty four episodes in less than one week, thus the lack of posting. Husband was unhappy that I spent all of my free time in front of the computer. I mustn't watch the dramas too often. I'm a total basket case.

Working Girl Blues

I began working on the current production at the opera. Work has been fun, but I'm away from home for so many hours a day now. I hate the hours wasted on the road to travel to Tel Aviv and back. From Haifa, it takes about two hours each trip door to door. That's four hours a day just for the trip. If we were to live in Israel in the future, we would move to Tel Aviv but we decided to try out Korea. We're moving to Korea at the end of this summer.
I was in three different cities today. After the bat-mitzva party last night, we stayed over at my mother-in-law's in Jerusalem and then I went to Tel Aviv from there, then I came home to Haifa. I'm absolutely exhausted. And upset that I barely spent any time with Liam. At one point during the day, I almost felt like giving it all up and be a stay at home mom.

Simcha

My in-laws are in town for two weeks for a family thing. First they are visiting with us for this week and we're all going down to Jerusalem for my niece's twelveth birthday.

A girl's twelveth birthday (or a boy's thirteenth) is a big deal for Jews. It's a rite of passage called bat-mitzvah. It's sort of like sweet sixteen, let's say, for the lack of better description. After bat-mitzvah, a girl is considered an "adult." There will be two big ocassions for our birthday girl. One will be a classic party in a hall with dinner, dance, and the whole big schbang. Another will be a religeous event. I am scheduled to read a portion of Torah in a synegogue for this. I'm kind of psyched about that.

Torah reading takes some practicing. It requires knowing both the text and the designated tones. When read well and correctly, it sounds beautifully melodious. When I listen to a good Torah reading, I find it calming and touching.

They Finally Got Me

I am sick. It began when I thought I was having an allergic reaction to my dog Ocean's hair shedding. Schnauzers aren't supposed to shed hair, but my Ocean has been shedding his hair because he's been suffering from food allergy lately. Anyhow, what began as just annoying itchiness in the throat two days ago turned into a full blown viral case of violent coughs, sinus pain, runny AND stuffy nose- it's evil how this is possible- and tear-inducing back pain. Why I am sitting in front of the computer blogging is perplexing. I should really get back into bed and rest. Have a nice day.

25 Random Things About Me

I was 'tagged' to post 25 random things about me by William over at dollop of solipsism who maintains one of my favorite blogs with his sassy and smart remarks.

1. When I was fourteen, I moved from a very protected Korean society to New York where I experienced a cultural shock.

2. Hong Kong, where I lived for seven years in my twenties, is the place I know best of all the places I lived.

3. I miss riding on Star Ferry in Hong Kong. In the thick summer haze, crossing the South China Sea from the Central dock to Tsim Sha Tsui, I imagined the ferry crossing in Margaret Duras' Lover.

4. Two years ago I converted to Orthodox Judaism (for my husband's family). I can say it was for me only in a sense that I decided to do it in order to fully accept my husband's tradition into my life.

5. I hate that people judge me and make assumptions based on my choice of religion and my life-style.

6. When I eat salty food I like to balance the taste out by eating sweet food afterwards and vice versa. This trait results in my buying multiple desert items when I go to a bakery. For example, I'd pick up something chocolaty, then a few savory pastries, and then fruit tarts, then some bread sticks.

7. I once dated a French dude who used to pop up from no where to light my cigarette whenever I took out one.

8. I had a Schnauzer puppy I named Sky, to match my existing Schnauzer's name Ocean, who died of Distemper soon after I got him.

9. I like to drink gin & tonic when I feel foul. (Does that make me sound like an alcoholic?)

10. I like drinking tea with milk.

11. I think any good movie or novel should explain everything about life even if its subject matter is a narrow topic. I guess what I mean by that is that a good fiction should depict an aspect of fundamental truth about life.

12. When I was in second grade, my teacher told us that we should brush our teeth after every time we eat, so I brushed my teeth like twenty times a day for about a year.

13. I have a Mac but I don't know how to use it fully and I feel very anxious every time I think about that.

14. I like Chinese antique.

15. Last month, I wondered to myself whether my son Liam was the best looking person ever to be born. (Don't laugh.)

16. I am very very competitive about taxi-catching. If you cut in in front of me, you should be prepared to see my ugly side.

17. I hate drinking tap water.

18. The Best of Youth is my favorite movie that makes me feel good every time I watch it. I heard that the movie was at first meant to be a mini-telenovela, which makes sense given its length and epic-nature. I think the movie has similarity to Korean TV dramas. Maybe my sensibility picks up on that.

19. I danced salsa with my husband David on the stage at Lotte World in Seoul and won a prize of 100000 won ($100). It's not that we were any good, you see. We just had the balls.

20. I hesitated breaking up with an Australian boyfriend from Perth because I was afraid of losing the ownership of adoring where he comes from. In the end, the boredom of endless consumption of alcohol followed by hours and hours of detoxing by the pool side without exchanging a word for two straight years did it for me. I simply imagined myself married to this guy and doing the same for the rest of my life. That was a scary thought. Even if we would have done the detoxing on a beach in Perth.

21. Last week after work, on a particularly balmy evening, I was walking down a boulevard alone in Tel Aviv and loved life.

22. I am missing a tooth right now (can't be seen and awaiting an implant.)

23. I let my son suck his thumb, although many people told me that this will cause his teeth to protrude, because I think it's so cute. Besides, how am I supposed to teach an infant that it's wrong to do something when he doesn't register right from wrong?

24. I speak Korean to my baby but English to my dog.

25. I am glad that I'm at # 25. It was hard going to come up with so many things about myself! I hadn't realized I was so mundane...

I tag Mama Nabi and Marz at Nowadayz.

In Which I Can't Communicate Well With Mom and Not Just That

I was hung up on the phone by my mom yesterday, a practice commonly exercised between us. My mom is visiting with my brother and staying at his house at the moment. She is angry at the relationship dynamics that my brother and his wife has-- she thought that he was "doing TOO much" for his wife and her family. When my brother cooked all day for the Thanksgiving dinner at his ILs, she "couldn't take it anymore," she said. Can you believe this? She should be happy that he's happy in his marriage and get along so well with his ILs!
In the end she brought this up to my brother's ILs and they're not really talking to each other now. Then my sister-in-law complained about my mom to my brother and he took my mom's side and they had a huge fight.
After listening to this story, in which my mom thought she was the right one as usual, I told her, in Korean, not to get too upset since my brother and his wife are really American and this is just an American way of doing things. Then she said "how could they fight when I'm in the same home and I can hear her?" My mom isn't the quietest person in the world, and I pointed out that mom said to me explaining about her own behavior that "it's OK and only natural for people to shout when they're 'so' angry." Then she became dead quiet and told me she had to hang up and there she hung up on me as usual.
I don't even know what to even call this kind of crazy thinking and behavior. It's definitely a pattern she has though. I hate to complain about my mom but she really drives me mad.

Opera Gig

I have been on standby for a gig at the Israeli Opera since the beginning of January, and yesterday I went for the first time to view and study their open rehearsal. It was my first work for a theatre type job, and my gosh, I LOVED it so much to be part of the scene. The current production is Mefistofele, and the costume is absolutely stunning. I was in a male chorus dressing room with about ten singers. What great fun it was to be surrounded by witty, dramatic, cultured men with great voice! They accepted me with open arms which I thought was really neat.
The whole backstage was filled with creative and artistic talents. I can so live on that kind of energy! I am looking forward to March when I'll be on call as a regular staff with La Boheme.

I Hate Users!

So last Friday, this photographer (a kid, really) calls me up and says that he needs a makeup artist in an emergency for a shoot on Sunday. He asks me please if I can come and do a job without pay and sorry that he called so last minute. The shoot was for an interview of a famous media figure for a local daily newspaper. It's a kind of job that is good for my book/CV so I gracefully accept it.

On the morning of the shoot, I get a little lost locating the celebrity's apartment, but arrive on time. I exchange hellos with the journalist and the photographer on the parking lot before entering to meet with the star. The star is nice enough. Very charming in fact. He mock-flirts a little bit with the makeup artist-that would be me- to relaxed the situation. Asks if we'd like some coffee to which we say yes but he forgets to produce. I begin working on him immediately. Really the job is easy enough. I'm done before the photographer finishes setting up. He promises a few copies of the photos for my reference, which is really the point of why I did this work.

Next day I sms the photo dude to remind politely if I can get a few copies of yesterday's work if he's had time to go through the them. I know that he's done working on the pictures because from the previous experience it's apparent that he works very fast and efficiently. No answer. I wait a day to call and he answers and asks if he can call me back. I say of course. No call. I wait until next day to call again, this time really peeved. The phone rings and rings and the weasel doesn't answer! Next morning I send a final sms asking for a photo but I know by now it's a futile effort.

Obviously I'm never going to work with this asshole again, but I'm really pissed. When the newspaper journalist called me to thank me for my part, I held myself from ratting on him but it was really hard!

Liam Sits on His Own

Shabat Lunch

In an attempt to put myself out there again, to get out of the funk so to speak, I organized a lunch for nine people today. Two of them- a couple- couldn't make it because their baby got sick. I made chili con carne, Israeli cous cous, roast beef, cucumber salad with grated carrots, sauteed mushrooms, and stir fried vegetables. David made a fabulous fruit salad with all the seasonal fruits as desert. We served red wine from Sion valley in Northern Israel. Harvey, a newcomer to Haifa and an Englishman, made a very English toast to me for providing a meal. Ari, our American neighbor was in high spirits after a drink of Laphroaig. Fun time was had by all, and I am back!

Survivor

Okay, so, my new year's resolutions isn't going well. I'm not a) losing weight; b) really exercising. I'm doing my usual pilates classes but that's my comfort zone. I just don't have the motivation what with the cold winter weather and arguments with David. I can't bring myself to write about my marital woe because, like Melissa from Expatriate Games once said about herself and I agree to quote, "I'm not one of those people who can blog through stress". I usually disappear from the face of earth during crisis only to come out when things are better again- I delve into the thick depth of depression and unhappiness. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I enjoy being depressed.

Speaking of depression and unhappiness, while I was strapped on the pilates apparetus this morning, I was feeling down and shitty when it dawned on me a sudden sensory recognition intimately familiar to me: I recall such feelings from my days in Hong Kong! It was in Hong Kong that I formed myself as an adult, and I always believed that I loved it there because there I was a free person at last to choose and decide whatever the direction I wanted to take. I'm pin pointing only now that my underlying state was of sadness and denial. Or else I wouldn't have partied every night immersed in a drinking binge, day in and day out for five straight years. It's true, a good friend of mine who knew me and my activities well at the time pointed out that I seemed "lost." I shook off that comment then because I wasn't ready to take on that kind of blunt assessment. Instead I found a flaw on her and distanced myself from her.

So in short, today I'm looking to get my energy back. I'm not going back to being unhappy. I have better things to do in life! For now I'm off to let Lucy (our nanny) off her duty for the afternoon.

Love Me or Leave Me

When things are not going well at the home relationship front I find myself unmotivated and listless. Today was such a day. I am merely going through motions when picking up Liam and singing to him.
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Yesterday I attended a concert by a Jazz vocalist named Paula West whose concert paid tribute to Bob Dylan and Nina Simone who is my favorite singer. Paula West was one of those very personal type of celebrities. She came out to the lobby to speak to the audience during the intermission. No pretense at all. Still, I was a little star struck and David asked her (for me) if she will sing Love Me or Leave Me. She wouldn't, she said, it wasn't part of the repertoire. I was duly disappointed, but her performance of The Times They Are A-changin' inspired me completely. She said she began performing the song since right before the election in October.

At 6 3/4 months

Liam is growing up. He smiles a lot and spontaneously.




He also loves his avocado.

Promises, Promises

I was reading Amanda's Blog on New Year's resolution, and I've realized people actually resolve their resolutions! I've never really resolved any new year's resolutions so I don't make them anymore.

Well, except one year, in my early days in Hong Kong, I was so lonely and didn't know anyone that I told myself I will make lots and lots of friends and get to know many many people. That I did. Eventually I indeed knew many people in Hong Kong. Even that resolution though, isn't without regrets. After seven years in the place, I only have a few real friends left from the hundreds that I used to know and drink with. I wish that I had chosen friends more carefully and cultivated deeper friendships.

Anyhow, about making resolutions. I've decided to make one again this year for a change. I hardly did anything for this New Year's. David and I rented a DVD (Mama Mia) and split a beer after we put Liam to bed. That was big: we haven't done anything like that in.... since Liam came along.

My New Year's Resolutions:

1. To lose 10 kgs. That's right people, that's 22lbs. I have a small frame and at 5'4'' and 58kg is too heavy. I haven't lost all my pregnancy weight since I gave birth 6 1/2 months ago. It's time to reshape!

2. To achieve #1, I need to exercise. So: Exercise.

3. Be more aggressive about marketing myself. Honestly, I have been to lame to advertise myself to potential work sources. I need to put myself out there and receive more work.

4. Try to love life more. Stop enjoying the feeling of melancholy.

5. Go and visit Yoonju. He's my brother who lives in San Francisco. I haven't seen him in more than a year. It's very sad that we're becoming so distant. We used to be so close when we were growing up.

That's it. Next year this time, I, too would like to be able to say "I have resolved (some part of) my New Year's resolutions."

Missing Marlboros

I used to be a smoker. My love-hate affair with Marlboro Lights began in senior year of high school when I nicked my mom's pack from behind her bedroom mirror. (Yes, my mom was one of those behind the closet smokers like all her fellow Korean women her generation.) When my best friend Kim came to pick me up in her new Mazda, I quickly shoved the said packet in the back pocket of my flare jeans, which was retro in vogue at the time, as I faced Mom and said 'see ya later'.

On the highway on our way to the mall- alas, where else would you go in a suburb?- we began smoking ceremoniously: me my mom's Marlboro Lights and Kim her New Port Menthol Lights. Yuck, I never felt so sick and nauseous in my life! I felt like my whole gut was about to turn out. Literally tasting the nausea in my mouth, though, I persevered. I wouldn't be cool if I had to stop, you see. Half a year went by like that until we graduated from high school. Kim, in the mean time, began bleeding from her throat and had to stop smoking. I, on the other hand, slowly got used to the cigarette smoking. I became a pack-a-day smoker. The Marlboros kept me company at various moments and in all kinds of life journeys. They were my most intimate best of friends, so to speak.

Then, after smoking for ten years, my body told me I needed to give 'em up. Several attempts were made to quit until I actually did. The truth was I didn't really want to quit. I liked myself as a smoker. I was still smoking one or two sticks a day when I found out that I was pregnant. Feeling guilty and remorseful, I quit totally cold turkey. I haven't touch them since.

So what is the issue? Lately, I REALLY REALLY miss smoking. With the weather here in Israel getting suddenly cold last week, the urges came on strongly. I had always enjoyed smoking more somehow in the winter than in the summer. I don't want to become a smoker again, though. Plus it wouldn't be so cool if Liam someday nicks my pack of Marlboros.