Okay, so, my new year's resolutions isn't going well. I'm not a) losing weight; b) really exercising. I'm doing my usual pilates classes but that's my comfort zone. I just don't have the motivation what with the cold winter weather and arguments with David. I can't bring myself to write about my marital woe because, like Melissa from Expatriate Games once said about herself and I agree to quote, "I'm not one of those people who can blog through stress". I usually disappear from the face of earth during crisis only to come out when things are better again- I delve into the thick depth of depression and unhappiness. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I enjoy being depressed.
Speaking of depression and unhappiness, while I was strapped on the pilates apparetus this morning, I was feeling down and shitty when it dawned on me a sudden sensory recognition intimately familiar to me: I recall such feelings from my days in Hong Kong! It was in Hong Kong that I formed myself as an adult, and I always believed that I loved it there because there I was a free person at last to choose and decide whatever the direction I wanted to take. I'm pin pointing only now that my underlying state was of sadness and denial. Or else I wouldn't have partied every night immersed in a drinking binge, day in and day out for five straight years. It's true, a good friend of mine who knew me and my activities well at the time pointed out that I seemed "lost." I shook off that comment then because I wasn't ready to take on that kind of blunt assessment. Instead I found a flaw on her and distanced myself from her.
So in short, today I'm looking to get my energy back. I'm not going back to being unhappy. I have better things to do in life! For now I'm off to let Lucy (our nanny) off her duty for the afternoon.
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She's Korean. She's Jewish. She's a makeup artist. She's a mom. She's open. She judges. She's calm. She's wild. Wandering Ju is Juyon's everyday story.
4 comments:
:-) I'm the opposite - blogging helps me process the crisis and realize why it is a crisis. When I wasn't blogging about what was going on with my marriage, I was just unhappy but didn't know why. I'm a processor via words.
It sounds like you got your energy back...? Hope you had a fun mother-son day!
Hang in there. You don't have to give into the depression - at least not any more than you want to. And I can understand not writing about marital woes -- lest you invite more. I'm wishing you strength & better days!
I just came across your blog and I couldn't believe how awesome it was - I have been looking for another Korean Jewish person (besides my wonderful sister) for the longest time. So, anyway, I just wanted to say 'Hello!' I also thought it was cool to read your past few posts about unhappiness/happiness/resolutions. I just started a happiness project for 2009. Keeping resolutions (something I have never really even tried before) is very interesting.
Hi! Wow your son is adorable too! As for me, I didn't specifically blog about my major difficult Fall '08 and I mean major! because my extended family reads it and various acquaintences too. It feels so good to look ahead after feeling stuck for a while. I wish you the best. Remember that we can't measure our success in small increments but instead the big picture! We are all works in progress. :) :)
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